Jar of hearts
by Beautiful27Tragedy
Summary: There are certain things in life you can't run away from - your past, your thoughs, yourself... and the pain of a broken heart.
1. So long

**Jar of Hearts**

_I wish I had missed _  
_The first time that we kissed _  
_Cause you broke all your promises_

I don't wanna hear about it.

I don't want to know.

I don't want to know how happy he is with his new fucking boyfriend. And don't want to hear stories about them. I definitely don't want to see them. I don't want to know how he caresses the guys face with hands that once caressed my face, my body. I don't want to know how that stranger runs his hands over his skin. Skin that was once touched by me, that I once felt pressed tightly against my skin.

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. KNOW!

Why do people always feel the need to tell me things I don't want to hear about?

The last 10 months have been nothing but a living hell for me. I've been through the worst, I hit the rock bottom, I was devastated for months and I'm still balancing on the edge constantly.  
And it's news like this that makes me trip and wish, that this time I'll fall on the wrong side. I know that it won't take much for me to break down one last time and never ever come back up again.  
And this time I won't mind because that would mean one thing - peace.  
No more stories I don't want to hear, no more hurt-full run-ins, no more pain, no more restless nights, no more of anything.

Nothing.

Nothing but peace.

Every time when I think that I finally feel a little better, that maybe there's hope for me to go on, shit like this happens and pulls the rug from under me once more. And then he crawls out from this dark corner of my mind and lies like a shadow over my thoughts, clouding my mind, that I can't think of anything else but him.  
His face, his smile, his words, the curve of his neck, his mouth, his taste, his hair, the muscles flexing in his arms, his hands, the way he moves, his smell, his voice. Yes, thinking about his voice is almost the worst.

And I want to scream out in pain and hopelessness. I want to scream to god to stop it, to make it go away, to let me breathe.

But he doesn't hear me. And at days like this I even think he's laughing at me. Enjoying the instant pain I feel in my heart and in my gut when I hear about him. When I hear he has been seen - with him.

And I can't breathe and everything hurts and I can't run away from my own thoughts.

And I can't live.

No more.

And that's why I stand here and open my arms wide...

and jump.


	2. Half alive

_**And who do you think you are  
Running 'round leaving scars**_

**7 hours earlier**

„Hey buddy, there you are. God, I'm starving. It's been a crazy, stressful day so far. Oh, by the way – I saw Jas in the coffee shop this morning."

Those were the words. The words which threw me back into my past in only two seconds.

_I saw Jas._

Three words that made me realize, that all the 'I'm getting better' bullshit was nothing but exactly that – bullshit. A lie to myself. Something I wanted – so badly – but couldn't reach. I wasn't getting better. I just learned to live with the pain, how to numb it by covering it with work and other vanities. By avoiding of letting my thoughts stray. And trying _not_ to think of someone is hard work. It's strenuous and exhausting.

And then this, all my hard work destroyed with three little words.

"Why are you telling me this Emmet?"

"No reason, just chatting. But the new guy looks like a creep by the way. Total fail if you ask me. I mean, what's with his hair? What colour is that suppose to be? And then the-"

"Emmet!"

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember how I asked you not to talk about him? Not to tell me about him - like nothing at all - because I don't want to know?

"Well, I just thought you'd feel better when you hear what a douche bag his new boyfriend is.

_His new boyfriend. _

That hurts.

A lot.

"No. No that actually doesn't make me feel better."

"Alright, sorry man. I didn't think that it would still bother you, you know. You just seem to be much better lately, like... you're finally over him."

_Better?_

No.

_Over him?_

Never.

"It's ok, Emmet, let's just change the subject, alright?"

"No problem, man. Wanna order now.?"

"Yeah, sure."

But I don't feel like food anymore. My stomach is tied in knots and everything tastes like ash. I only take two bites of my sandwich to humor Emmet – he only would get upset if I'd stop eating again. I nip on my coke and listen to his rambling, nodding in all the right places and even manage to fake a smile or two. But my thoughts are a million miles away.

When he's finally done and we're standing outside the diner he puts his hand on my shoulder and gives me an apologetic smile.

"I'm really sorry, you know. It won't happen again, I promise."

No, it won't happen again I promise myself.

"It's ok, man, don't worry. I see you tonight." And with that I turn and leave.

I head straight to the next supermarket and buy two bottles of Jameson. Yes, that'll do.

I smile all the way back to my car - I know exactly where to go, to celebrate my last decision.


	3. Welcome blackness

**_Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore_**  
**_You lost the love I loved the most_**

I'm flying.

It's wonderful.

My eyes are closed, my arms are outstretched. I'm not afraid of what will come, there's no fear, only anticipation.

I can feel the wind, caressing my face, sneaking through my fingers, tousling my through may hair.

I feel free and almost happy.

I can hear the water below me, I can smell its salty aroma mingling with the freshness of the night air. Soon I will dive into its cold embrace and it will cover me completely.

And soon there will be no more pain, no more grieving, no more sadness. The water will make it all go away.

It'll be the answer to all my prayers.

The fall is short but it feels like an eternity.

When I hit the surface it hurts like hell but only for a moment. The cold water soothes the burning from the impact.

Instantly I'm sinking deeper into the blackness and I don't even try to get back up to the surface. I just let myself flow with the waves. The darkness around me clears my mind.

_And then I see him. _

_Jas._

_I see him like I saw him the last time .The way he looked at me. _

_Again I hear him saying these words, the words which started it all. "Ed, I'm sorry it's just... I … I don't love you anymore."_

"_You …. don't … love...me."_

"_I'm so sorry."_

My body is beginning to get nervous, waiting for another breath.

"_Is there another guy?"_

"_No, there's no one. I just think that you... that we are not meant to be …. you know. And I'm sorry that I hurt you but it wouldn't be fair to either of us. I swear I never cheated on you, I would never do that. But I can't change what I'm feeling and it's not... love." _

My lungs are starting to scream for air but they won't get any. My heart is beating faster. I wrap my arms around myself and sink deeper into my mind.

_He left me. Not because he fucked someone else or loved someone else. No, he just didn't love me. To hear that was almost worse than to hear that there's someone else._

My lungs are burning; my heart is beating frantically against my ribcage, both desperate hoping for air. The cold water hurts all over my body and I can feel myself starting to loose consciousness.

I welcome it. I yearn for it.

"_I'm sorry Ed, goodbye."_

My last thought before I embrace the blackness.

* * *

**_Like I said, I update as soon as a chapter is finished. I'm an impatient creature, I don't believe in waiting. ;)_**


	4. Heaven or Hell

_**It took so long just to feel alright**_

_**Remember how to put back the light in my eyes**_

* * *

It's warm.

Warm and soft and cosy.

Am I in heaven?

It must be heaven. It feels so good.

I wanna stay here.

_**Blackness.**_

What was that noise?

Ow, my head hurts.

I take a deep breath and wince. My side hurts too. Why do I still feel pain when I'm dead?

And what is that smell?

Carefully I take another breath but not as deep as the one before

Hot chocolate.

Aw yes, that smells like heaven. Though I never imagined heaven, to smell like my favourite beverage.

What is going on here?

_**Blackness.**_

I'm surfacing again and try to open my eyes but they're so heavy.

Where am I?

I guess I'll just have to wait to find out.

After all, there's no time in heaven.

And the blackness drags me under once again.

_**Blackness.**_

Voices. No - one voice. But too quiet for me to hear it clearly.

I will my eyes to open and they do, even if only half.

My vision is blurred, I look around, trying to find out what's going on but I can't focus.  
There's movement in the corner of my eye, something - someone – glowing in bright colours.

_Is that an angel?_

My eyes are burning from the saltwater and I have to close them for a moment to reduce the stinging.

Before I can open then again, I fall back into unconsciousness.

_**Blackness.**_

The next time I'm awake, my eyes open wider but my vision is still blurry.

I look around and see – I'm definitely not in heaven.

_Oh no._

This is a clearly a living room.

_I survived._

No no no no no. This wasn't supposed to happen. I should be dead by now. I should be in heaven – or hell but not in someone's living room.

But here I am. There's a table in front of me, something black in the distance what must be the TV, a bookshelf and a fireplace with a fire burning. I guess that was the glowing I saw.

_Damned._

I hear a noise and slightly turn my head - there he is again, the "angel".

I try to focus on him and blink a few times but I can't get him into sharper focus. And then I realize, I must have lost my contacts in the water. This together with the burning clouds my vision immense but-

_Oh my god. It can't be._

He's standing with his back to me, wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. His blond hair looks strange because it's not tied back into his usual ponytail. He's talking quietly to someone on the phone and hasn't realized that I'm awake.

_It's him._

My blond angel came back to me. I can feel my eyes tearing up.

He came back; he is here, with me. For me.

He's so close, I want to touch him. Weakly I lift my arm and reach for him but he's too far away.

"Jas." I rasp, my voice hoarse and raw from the water.

He swirls around so fast, that his golden locks are bouncing into his face. He runs a hand through his hair and quickly says something into the phone before he puts it into his back pocket.

He then steps closer and I rub my eyes, wiping the tears away to finally be able to see him clear.

I can feel his hand on my forehead and smiling I open my eyes.

_What?_

No, wait, that's not... he's not... who the hell...?

"You're not James."

"No, I'm Jasper."

* * *

_**Ha, gotcha ;)**_


	5. Angel

_**So don't come back for me**_  
_**Who do you think you are?**_

„I don't understand. "

I try to get up but he gently pushes me back down.

"Please stay, you need to rest. I'll bring you something to drink. My -"

"No, no, no. Where's James? What are you doing here? Who are you?"

"Please, you need to calm down." I look from his hands which are firmly placed on my shoulders up to his face, frantically shaking my head.

"No, I don't want to calm down and I don't want to stay. I need to… I wanted to…I was…I….. What am I doing here?"

"Uhm, do you remember what happened?"

"What? Of course I remember. I was flying towards peace. I was supposed to be free. I was supposed to be dead by now but you ruined it."

His eyes become sad, his whole face crumbles, and he almost looks like he's going to cry. His eyes leave mine; he runs a hand through his curls and takes a deep breath.

He looks like he needs a moment to put himself together.

"I thought you were him." I whisper, suddenly overwhelmed by the realization that James isn't here, that I still lost him and that the only thing that remains is the pain. The ever present pain.

I can feel tears running down my face; I close my eyes and turn my head away from him.

"Hey." He shakes my shoulder and squeezes slightly.

"I don't know why you did that, why you tried to…. to end your life. But doing that is never a solution. No matter how bad it looks, one day, everything will be ok again."

I snap my head back to him; his eyes go wide by the expression on my face.

"No it won't." I say angrily. "I know it won't. It hasn't been ok the last 10 months and it won't be better the next 10. It will NEVERbe ok again. YOU made sure of that."

Shock and compassion are battling on his face. After a moment he sighs and gets up, leaving the room through a door somewhere behind me.

Great, now I pissed off the man who might has risk his life to save me. Me. Fuck, I didn't even say thank you. Even though I'm not thankful at all, it would be polite to say it. Damned, I bet he already regrets having bothered to save my ungrateful ass. Maybe I should just leave. I disburdened him really enough.

Again I try to get up but I feel so weak, it takes a lot of effort till I manage to drag my legs over the edge of the couch to be able to sit up.

When I'm finally sitting I'm completely wiped out. My head is pounding and my side hurts. I raise my hand to wipe the sweat from my forehead with my sleeve.

_My green coloured sleeve._

That's not my shirt. What the hell am I wearing? Oh shit, he must have changed my clothes. Of course, mine are wet. I pull the blanket from my legs - light grey pyjama pants.

I feel the heat of embarrassment rising up, colouring my cheeks.

_He did that. He undressed me._

As if on cue he walks in, a steaming cup in one hand and a glass of water in the other. He stops dead in his track when he sees me in my sitting position.

"What are you doing? You can't get up. Jesus, didn't I tell you you're too weak?"  
He puts the cup and the glass on the couch table and without asking grabs my legs, places them back on the couch and throws the blanket over me. He scowls at me like a mother at her naughty child before he takes the cup and hands it to me.

"Careful, it's hot."

I look down and inhale deeply, ahhh, hot chocolate - heaven in a cup. Carefully I take a sip and raise my eyes to find him watching me.

His eyes are all shades of grey. Like the heaven after a rainstorm, clear and fresh and full of light. He's a good looking guy – I guess. I don't know stuff like that anymore; I have no memorization of what type of guy I think looks good or what type of guy I used to like. It's months ago that I have seen a man as a _man _and not only as another human being. But objectively speaking I think you could say he's good looking. He's tall but I guess two or three inches smaller than me. He's a bit on the lanky side but you can see his muscles when he moves. I bet he's stronger than he looks. He's got a nice face, manly but soft, it looks friendly and honest. With his blond, chin-length waves hre really _does_ look like an angel. A wayward curl is bouncing in front of his right eye. He tucks it back behind his ear and this simple gesture makes me want to weep. I don't know why.

He's watching me carefully; there are tiny lines of concentration on his forehead. I feel myself getting nervous and I wish I would know what's going on in his head.

Effectively breaking the eye contact by looking down again I take another sip and finally find my voice again.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."


	6. Everybody hurts

**_When your day is long_**  
**_And the night, the night is yours alone_**  
**_When you're sure you've had enough_**  
**_Of this life, well hang on_**

"Why am I not in a hospital?"

He takes a few moments to just look at me, obviously considering what to tell me.

"We saw you…." he clears his throat. "when you jumped. I called for you but I guess you didn't hear me. We were-"

"We?"

"Oh, Carlisle and me. We came just back from a little fishing trip in his rowboat. When uhm, when you jumped we paddled as fast as we could to the spot where you …where you immersed. I jumped after you but it seemed to take me an eternity to find you… the water was so black, I thought I would be too late. But when I finally got you and we had you in the boat Carlisle examined you – he's a doctor you know – he told me it hasn't really took me that long and that you will be ok. You swallowed a bit of water but you were... you were still breathing. You were even conscious for few seconds but I guess you can't remember? Anyway, Carlisle assured me that I got you in time to prevent any damages. Do you… do you want me to bring you to the hospital? If you want me to I will."

"No, I…. I'd rather stay here if you don't mind."

"Of course not. Carlisle is gone to get his medical equipment, I think he'll be back any minute now... I hope"

The last words were whispered and I'm sure I wasn't supposed to hear them. It looks like he really needs this Carlisle person now. He puts his face in his hands and takes a few deep breaths, obviously trying to calm himself. Why is he so agitated?

"I'm sorry, I just... I guess the adrenaline rush starts to fade and now I'm really realizing what happened. Just give me a minute." He doesn't look up and I instantly feel bad. Of course he's troubled. He had to jump into the cold water in the middle of the night so save some stranger and now this stranger is lying on his sofa, stealing his time, ruining his night sleep.

"No, don't be sorry. I'm the one who's sorry, for putting you – and Carlisle - in this situation. I never thought there would be anyone out there at this time, you know... I'm really, really sorry. You seem to be a very nice person and I caused you so much trouble … and I wasn't very nice or thankful so far, I'm..." I sigh, really not knowing what else to say.

He looks up at me and for long moments we're again just staring at each other. I feel something shift inside of me. It feels like a long lost piece of puzzle found it's place. I blink a few times but I'm not able to look away from his grey stormy eyes this time. I'm locked in his gaze and for some reason I don't feel the need to break free.

A door being closed and a shouted "Jay?" breaks my trance.

"In here." Jasper answers and get's up. A second later a blond man enters the room.  
Jasper walks towards him and they meet halfway, standing very close together. They're talking quietly, too quietly for me to hear, Carlisle glances at me before he nods and puts his hand on Jaspers shoulder. They seem to be very close.

I look away, suddenly feeling like invading their privacy.

I'm lost in my thoughts when I suddenly feel the couch dip, I look up to find Carlisle sitting in front of me, looking concerned but friendly.

He must be a few years older than Jasper, there are tiny lines in the corner of his eyes. His hair is short and he's also taller than him. He reaches his hand out and I take it.

"Hi, I'm Carlisle, how are you feeling?"

"I'm ok, I guess. My head hurts and my side."

"Yes, you got a big bruise there from the impact on the water surface. It'll hurt for a while but luckily nothing is broken."

I can only nod and he continues.

"How about your memory? Do you remember everything from this evening or are there any memory gaps?"

"No. No, I remember ...everything." I answer, looking down at my hands in my lap.

_Everything. Unfortunately._

When I look up I catch him changing a meaningful look with Jasper.

"What's your name?" Carlisle continues.

"Edward. Edward Cullen."

"Ok, Edward, I'm gonna make some quick tests to see if you're alright and then you can go back to sleep but one of us should keep an eye on you this night, just to make sure you'll be ok.

"I do it, I'll stay with him."

* * *

**_At this point I'm really not sure if I should continue this story... What do you think?_**


	7. The key

**_Don't throw your hand_**  
**_If you feel like you're alone_**  
**_No, no, no, you are not alone_**

"No."

They both look surprised by my raised voice, Jasper already opening his mouth to say something but I beat him.

"I mean, really, there's no need for either of you to stay up and sacrifice your sleep, I'm sure I'll be ok. In fact, I think I really should go home."

"I'm sorry Edward but as a doctor I can't allow that. You should be under medical observation this night, you can't be alone. So it's either staying here or going to the hospital."

I sigh, there's no way I'm going to the hospital. They will probably ask what happened and I really don't want anyone to know what I did – now that it didn't work.

Still, I hate to be a burden and directing my words at Carlisle I hope I can make him understand.

"Look, I really don't want to interfere with your lives more than I already have. I'm fine, there's really no need for your partner to spend the night away from you."

I'm a little confused by the expression on Carlisle's face, it's something between disbelief, surprise and …. amusement?

Jasper is the first to break the silence – by laughing so hard, he has to bend at his waist and put his hands on his knees for support.

Carlisle chuckles and because Jasper is still laughing his ass off he chimes in.

"Jay and I are not together, we're brothers. Well, half brothers."

"Oh."

_Oh. _

_Oh Jesus._

"I'm sorry. I… I just thought. ..oh nevermind." Again I can feel the heat creeping up to glow brightly in my face and I try to hide it by rubbing my forehead in feigned concentration.

"It's ok, Edward, don't worry about it." Carlisle assures me, reaching for his bag.

The next 20 minutes he examines me. Jasper never leaves his side and is listening carefully to everything Carlisle explains. When he's satisfied he puts his medical supplies into his bag and rises from the sofa.

"Alright Edward, everything looks good, I think you'll be just fine."

_Yeah, right._

His worried expression makes me wonder if I said that out loud but he's quick to mask it with a little smile and turns to Jasper.

"Jay, I think I can leave you alone with him. If anything happens, if he's feeling sick or get difficulties breathing, call me and get him to the hospital immediately."

"Okay, I will take care of him."

_Take care of him._ Those words exhilarate and scare me at the same time.

"I'll be back tomorrow to see how you're doing, Edward. Until then, have a good night."

"Good night Carlisle and thank you."

"You're welcome. Jay, care to walk me out?"

"Uhm, sure."

It's obviously that I'm not supposed to hear whatever Carlisle has to tell Jasper. When they're both gone I take a moment to reflect everything that happened tonight.

My decision to end the pain once and for all. My drive to the bridge. The bottles of Whiskey I bought for encouragement but didn't need at all in the end. I only took one sip and realized that I didn't want to leave this world drunk, I wanted to be fully aware of what I was going to do.

And then I jumped and in these few seconds I felt hope for the first time in ten months. I thought my decision was right.

When I first woke up and realized that I had failed I felt even worse than before my jump. I immediately thought about trying it again when I got out of here.

But then something happened. Something– someone - destroyed this thought, took it and put it away, placed it in the back of my head - maybe for later or maybe for _never_.  
He replaced this thought with a strange feeling. A feeling I can't name. It's unseizable. Like when you feel something big is about to happen but you just can't put your finger on it. You feel its presence, it's lingering on the edge of your mind and keeps you going and searching for it. You feel like you can grab it any minute now but then it slips through your fingers and leaves you wondering.

I may not be able to name the feeling but I know the one who triggered it.

It's _him_.

And that's the part that scares me the most.

I don't want to think about him or any possibility in connection with him. I don't even know his preference and I don't want to know it. I better not even think about it. Starting to think about it would mean starting to hope and I don't want to go there. Ever again. Hope is for the brave – not for me. I'd rather lock the door and throw away the key before it's got a chance to be opened and slammed in my face. Again.

A closed heart is the best defence against the pain.

I'm satisfied with my decision, absolutely sure that it's the best way to live my life from now on, when Jasper walks back into the living room.

Our eyes meet and with one heart-warming smile he rips that shut door in my mind right off it's hinges.

* * *

**_Thank you all for your support and your reviews, they mean a lot to me! =)_**


	8. We all

**_We all had our reasons to be there_**  
**_We all had a thing or two to learn_**  
**_We all needed something to cling to_**

"Are you hungry, would you like something to eat?"

"Uhm, no I'm fine, thank you."

"You don't mind if I make myself a sandwich? I'm starving"

"No, of course not, go ahead."

Ten minutes later he is back, dressed in black sweatpants and a black wife beater, in his hands a plate with his sandwich, a bottle of water and another glass.

He places everything on the table before taking a seat in the chair across from me.

He starts eating his sandwich and I take the opportunity to watch him more precisely.

His curls are safely tucked behind his ears, granting my curious gaze complete access to his face. His lips are full and pouty, he's got high cheekbones and a little cleft in his chin. I watch his mouth as he eats and his throat moving as he swallows. There's a little liver spot on his right cheek and a small scar under his left eye.

His gaze is locked on his plate, his long lashes hiding his eyes from me, he looks like he's deep in thoughts, absentmindedly chewing his sandwich.

His arms and shoulders are well defined and there's something written on the inside of is left upper arm but all I can see are the last two letters "gh".  
I was never the tattoo type, I wouldn't even know what to get but I like to see them on other people – if they're well done and if it's not something stupid like a bottle of beer.

He grabs the glass and takes a few gulps before placing it back on the table. He's got long fingers but his hands do look strong. There's a brown leather cuff around his right wrist, complementing the picture perfectly.

I have to admit, he looks good - dangerously good.

_He's beautiful. _

But he's obviously not married. He lives alone. I wonder if he has a girlfriend – or boyfriend. He's way too good looking to be alone.

And that's why I should get out of here as soon as possible. I can feel him getting more and more dangerous by the minute.

I shift nervously on the couch and eventually sit up to pull my knees up to my chest, closing my eyes for a moment.

"Do you want to go to sleep?"

I look up at him and he's watching me intently with those stormy eyes.

"No, I'm not tired. But you must be, why don't you go and lay down? You don't have to stay here all night, babysitting me, I could just call for you if I don't feel ok."

"Uhm, I'm not tired…. And I rather stay here tonight. You know… just in case something happens while you're asleep."

"Jasper, that's really not necessary."

"Well, Carlisle said it is …. so you won't get rid of me."

He smiles teasingly but his voice is serious and I wonder if there's something else that's bothering him.

I sigh, here goes obviously nothing, he's just as stubborn as his brother.

"Do you want to watch a movie or… we could just…talk?"

_Talk._

I bet he has a lot of questions but I don't want to talk about myself right now, or worse the reason why I did what I did.

"Movie sounds great."

"Ok, a movie it is then. "

After a few minutes debating on what we should watch, we decided to watch the second season of the BBC version of Sherlock Holmes. I've seen the first one and I loved it. I didn't know that the second one was already out... it must have been released sometime during the last ten months.

Jasper changed his position from the chair to the other end of the sofa, to be able to see the television, my outstretched legs between us.

A few minutes into the first episode and I'm already hocked. It's clever and funny and I even catch myself smiling at Sherlock's roughness and his sassy behaviour. I forgot just how much I used to enjoy watching this.

Even though Jasper already knows all episodes he laughs and seems to enjoy watching it as much as I do – on the outside at least. I can tell that he's hyper aware of every move I make, twitching slightly whenever I reach for my glass and once again I wonder what is going on in his head.

When the first movie is over he asks if I want to watch the second one and I agree.

We're both commenting the film here and there, Jasper teasing me with clues but doesn't reveal anything. He's fun, he's got a great sense of humor and I find myself relaxing more and more and enjoying his company.

I must have dozed off during the second movie and I'm yanked from my sleep by a heartbreaking wail and a stream of muffled words.

"Please don't do it. … don't wanna lose you again…..please…..please"


	9. Nightmares

_**Don't let yourself go  
'Cause everybody cries  
And everybody hurts sometimes  
**_

The room is dark; the only light comes from the television, showing the DVD menu screen.

"Jasper?"

He's lying at the other end of the sofa, his arms wrapped tightly around one of the cushions with his face buried deep into it, his whole frame is shaking with quiet sobs and whimpers.

I crawl closer to him and shake him softly.

"Jasper, wake up."

Apart from another whimper there's no reaction.

I shake him a little harder and he wakes up with a start, looking around frantically until his eyes land on me.

He shoots up and reaches for me, holding my face firmly between his hands before grabbing me almost painfully tight by my shoulders.

"Edward? Edward are you ok? Are you sick, do you have difficulties breathing? Do you need me to call an ambulance?"

There's a storm blazing in his eyes and he looks like he's on the verge of a panic attack. His hands are running frantically over my upper body like he's searching for something. I don't know what's going on with him, his eyes are so wide and full of fear, he's scaring the shit out of me.

"Jasper, please calm down. I'm fine." I try to soothe him but it takes long moments of him just looking at me, till the hurricane in his eyes dies down and leaves nothing but concern.

"Oh... oh, ok... what's wrong then?"

"You were uhm... I think you had a nightmare or something."

"Oh."

His worried expression changes into embarrassment in less than a second and he turns his face away.

"Are you ok, Jasper?" I place a hand on his shoulder, almost fearing that he will shake it off.

But he doesn't. He turns back and it's like nothing happened. He's smiling softly at me and I'm starting to wonder if the last five minutes really happened.

"Yeah, I'm fine. You're right, must have been a nightmare... but I can't remember. How are you feeling? Everything alright? Do you... do you need anything?"

"No, thanks, Jasper."

"Alright." Nodding he reaches for the remote and turns off the TV, leaving the room bathing in the soft moonlight.

"Do you mind if I stay on this end of the sofa? I can go and get the folding bed from the attic if you want but honestly, I'm fucking tired. So if you don't mind….." He trails off and I think I can hear him repressing a yawn.

"No, of course not" I answer, surprised by his question, it's his sofa after all and it's huge, even with our legs outstretched we both have enough space. He grabs a second blanket and snuggles deeper into the cushion with his face turned towards the ceiling. We're lying in silence for a few moments.

I know that he remembers his nightmare and I wonder what it is that he doesn't want to tell me. He looked so scared, for a few fearful moments I thought I wouldn't be able to calm him. I wonder if I'm the catalyst for his nightmare and immediately feel bad.

The last thing I want is causing pain to the wonderful person in front of me. To the person who saved my life.

My eyes snap open when I hear his quiet voice.

"Are you still angry that I jumped after you?"

"No."

And I'm surprised by the truth of my answer.


	10. Fighter

_**You've already won me over in spite of me**_  
_**Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet**_

"You fucking piece of shit. GET OUT."

"Wha-?"

I wake up with a start and bolt upright into a sitting position. Wondering where I am I rub my hands roughly over my face, attempting to wake up fully but when I remember last night I let myself fall back against the cushion with an exaggerated groan.

I look around the now familiar room but I'm alone. I close my eyes, trying to catch a little more sleep, when I hear him again.

"I said, get out you stupid fucker. You're NOT staying in my house."

What the fuck?

"Jasper?" I ask, though far too quiet for him to hear – wherever he is.

"Please, please, please, get out, I'm begging you. "

Carefully I get up from the couch, bracing myself on the wall for a moment, until the black spots in front of my eyes, from the sudden dizziness, are gone.

When I feel no more light-headed, I slowly make my way towards his voice.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, don't come any closer. Out, I told you to get out."

I stop dead in my tracks, not knowing who he's talking to and if he might means me but then again, he doesn't know I'm awake yet.

"Oh don't look at me like that, it won't help you. I'm telling you for the last time – fuck off!" He goes on and then I hear something hitting the floor with a loud bang.

"Damned."

"What the hell is he doing?" I ask myself before I turn the corner.

I find Jasper in his kitchen, standing in the middle of the room with his back to me, armed with a broom. The patio door is open and he's shouting at something on the floor, that I can't see from my position at the door.

He hasn't seen me yet and staying in my place at the door I watch him raising the broom and attacking whatever is there on the floor, cursing along while repeating the action again and again. He shuffles and jumps and swirls around, merciless hunting "_the fucker_", begging him to just leave through the patio door. And finally I can see his rival.

A rat.

Jasper is fighting with a rat.

I try not even to hold myself back. I burst out laughing, causing Jasper to jump around and releasing a high pitched squeal.

"Jasper, wha-?"

His dumbfounded face and the squeal that still rings in my ear makes me laugh even harder. I'm unable to speak. He looks at me like I lost my mind, the broom still raised in his hand, ready to attack and defend. I'm doubled over in irrepressible laughter, my belly is hurting, tears are streaming down my face and I'm gasping for air.

I don't know how long I laugh but eventually I hear him say "_Finally_" before he slams the patio door shut.

When I'm somewhat calmed down and able to stand upright again I wipe the tears from my face and take a deep breath.

I lean back against the doorframe and when I look up at Jasper he's beaming at me.


	11. Writer

**_Beautiful dawn - You're just blowing my mind again._**  
**_Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine._**

"So er, was that your kind of daily workout or is it just a morning ritual?

"I hate those fuckers – sorry - I hate them. They're coming in from the river, all wet and dirty, stingking and flee-contaminated and think they can warm up their asses in my house."

"Aha."

"Yeah, well… and I'm might a bit scared of them."

"Uh huh."

"Yes, I mean, they are transmitting all kind of diseases and they nibble on the wires and they can bite and whatnot..." He trails off, looking away, obviously embarrassed about his behaviour as well as his explanation for it.

"Wow, you're an odd duck."

"What can I say; I'm one of a kind." He smiles at me brightly.

_Yes, you are._

I'm lost in his eyes for a moment until he clears his throat.

"Did you sleep well? I hope the sofa wasn't too uncomfortable. You should have taken my bed but honestly, last night I didn't think of it."

"I slept very well, Jasper, don't worry about it."

"Okay…oh, if you want you can take a shower while I make breakfast."

"Yes, a shower would be nice." I can't wait to get the smell from the river off my skin.

He shows me the bathroom and where I find stuff like shower gel, shampoo and something to shave.

I'm just about to get off my clothes when he calls through the bathroom door.

"Edward?"

I open the door and he's standing before me with a pile of clothes in his arms.

"Uhm, here I have a shirt and a pair of jeans for you… and socks and… underwear. They're actually a bit loose on me so I think they should fit you just right."

"The underwear?"

"What? No! I … I meant the jeans." He blushes gorgeously and I wink at him, signalling that I was only teasing.

"Oh yeah, ha ha." He retorts and pulls out his lower lip in a delicious pout before he winks back and laugh's.

A few minutes later I step under the hot spray and enjoy the water running down my body, relaxing my muscles. When I'm finished washing my body and my hair I lean my head back and just enjoy the warmth of the water. I think about Jasper and that he is the only person who managed to make me laugh – not only smile but laugh - in ten long months.

After I shaved I put on his clothes – Jasper was right, they're fitting perfectly. I smile to myself when I make a plan to tease him a little more.

I walk out of the bathroom and into the living room. I didn't pay much attention to my surroundings yesterday but now I take a closer look. The furniture is very tasteful, the room is not overly stuffed but cozy and homey. It's got a slight country touch but not too rustic. The colours are warm and remind me of autumn. I like it, I like it a lot.

I step closer to the huge room window, the view is great, I can see the river and the city behind it in the distance. On the right there's something that looks like a barn and on the left… I swallow hard… there's the bridge I was jumping from.

I quickly turn away from the window and head into the kitchen to see if I can help Jasper with the breakfast.

He's obviously already finished and waiting for me, nipping absentmindedly on his coffee.

He looks up when I enter the kitchen.

"Hey there."

"Hey. Thank you." I say, gesturing towards the table.

"You're welcome. I hope bacon and eggs are ok."

"Perfect." He smiles at my answer and we both start eating.

"So I was right - about the clothes I mean." He says between bites.

"Yes, but ….actually the boxers are way too small."

"What?" he asks, almost choking on the piece of toast in his mouth.

The look on his face is priceless and for the second time in one hour I'm laughing so hard that my belly hurts.

"You should see your face right now." I chuckle and he lifts his eyebrows in question. "I'm sorry Jasper but you started the whole underwear-thing. They fit perfectly actually."

I can see understanding and relief on his face and something that tells I'll have to pay for this..

"Oh, I see, you're a funny one." he smirks, squinting his eyes.

_Only with you._

I just smile at him.

We keep on eating in silence, both of us following our own thoughts. .

"So what are you doing? For a living, I mean." He asks, grabbing another piece of toast.

"I'm a writer… well I was."

"Why was?"

"I haven't written a single word in ten months now."

"Oh. Why not?"

"I….let's just say I wasn't in the mood." His face falls a little bit but he nods and resumes eating.

"I understand."

I feel like I owe him some kind of explanation for everything he's done so I carry on.

"I just… I was so sad, I didn't even think about writing. And in my apartment… everything reminded me, even if I wanted, I couldn't. I had a hard time processing what happened - and as you could see yesterday, it didn't work, at all. And to be honest I have still no idea what to do and how to get over this sadness. How to close the hole I carry with me. I don't want to talk about what happened – not now anyway, I just want you to understand that, I wasn't able to write because…I had nothing to write about. The last ten months I…. I tried to stuff the hole in my heart with all kind of things - but nothing was good enough. It all crumbled away, only to leave me with an even bigger hole."

"Why don't you write about that?"

"What?"

"What happened – write about it. Maybe it'll help you to work things about, to see them clearer, distract somehow so you can get over it …. eventually.

"I don't know, who would want to read that?"

"Write it for yourself. If you find a way for your main character to go through this, maybe it'll be the right way for you too."

I'm starting to like his idea, maybe it could really work, writing always helped me to see things in a different way.

"And if you don't wanna go back, you could write …here."

* * *

**At TD69 – I just _had _to use this! =)**


	12. Good ideas, bad ideas

**_I don't wanna be lonely no more_**  
**_ I don't wanna have to pay for this_**  
**_ I don't want to know the lover at my door_**  
**_ Is just another heartache on my list_**

To say that I'm baffled would be a huge understatement. He wants me to stay? Why? I'm a nutcase. And he doesn't know me.

Before I can ask him the door bell goes and he leaves the table to get it.

"Think about it." He says before he's out the door.

_Think about it._

I sure do – but he has no idea how many questions his one question brought up. Could I stay? Do I even want to stay? But most important – _should_ I stay? One part of me surely wants to stay, it's so quiet here and I'm not only talking about traffic noise, I mean the noises of memories - there are none. No memories here that haunt me, to scream at me, reminding me that I used live here... _with him. _Here's nothing to distract me - except– and that's the reason for the other part, the part that tells me to leave like right the fuck now.

_Jasper._

Even though he has the magical power to make me laugh, he also scares me to death, because I like him. He's so easy to like. And therein lay the problem. I sigh. Could I really stay here with him? And on the other hand - could I really eave and maybe never see him again?

A few moments later he's back – with Carlisle, thankfully interrupting my musing.

"Good morning Edward, how are you today?" He asks friendly and takes a seat at the table.

"I'm good, thanks."

"Wanna eat something?" Jasper asks him while handing him a cup of coffee.

"No, just the coffee, thanks."

He looks back at me, studying me with his doctor-eyes for a second. His eyes fall to my shirt and I'm sure he recognize it as Jasper's.

"So you're good? No pain, no nausea or dizziness?"

_Dizziness - yes, but not for medical reasons._

"Not really, my head is much better, only my side still hurts a little but nothing big."

"Good, that's good news. And how are you _feeling?"_

The way he emphasizes the word feeling it's not hard to guess what he means. He thinks I will do it again as soon as I'm out of sight.

I can't stop myself from looking in Jaspers direction for a second before I answer him. "I feel better, thank you."

His brows furrow a bit and I'm not sure he believes me. He looks like he's going to say something else but then he only nods, takes a sip of his coffee and turns his attention to Jasper.

"Jay, what are you up to this weekend?"

Jasper gives me a quick side glance before pouring himself another cup of coffee.

"Not sure yet."

"I was hoping you could help me with Esme's car, it's still making these rumbling noises."

"Year, sure. Don't you have to work this weekend?"

"No, I have the late shift today and then I'm free."

"Alright then, just tell me when I should come over. Hey, you two already have something for Victoria's birthday?"

"Yes, we're giving her a flight ticket to L.A. and some shopping money."

"Aw, she'll love that. Shit, I have no idea what to get here."

"I'm sure you'll think of something." He takes a look at his watch and stands up.

"I have to go, or I'll be late for my appointment at the hairdresser."

"Going to dye the grey hairs again?" Jasper smiles impishly up at him.

"Funny lil' brother, funny." Carlisle replies, tousling Jaspers blond curls. Getting something out of his pocket, he turns to me.

"Edward, I'd like to give you this card of a friend of mine. She is really good in her profession and I'm sure she can help you. Please consider calling her sometimes."

I take the card and read it. It's from a Dr. Angela Chase - psychiatrist. _Oh well, I guess that was foreseeable. _

"Thank you." I mumble a little embarrassed and place it in the pocket of my jeans – well, Jasper's jeans.

"I hope you're not alone when you get home. I mean, is there someone there for you can talk to?" he asks, reaching for his still half full coffee cup.

"Err actually, Jasper invited me to stay for a while…and I'm thinking about accepting his offer"

The cup stops halfway to his mouth and the look on his face is one of disbelief and worry. I wonder what that means. What is he worried about?

"Oh, did he?" he looks over to Jasper but he keeps his eyes firmly on his plate, busying himself by pushing the rests of his scrambled egg around with his fork.

_What's going on here?_

"Well, if Jasper thinks that that's a good idea-"

"Yes, I do." Jasper interrupts him and I'm surprised by his angry tone.

"Okay. I'm off then. Edward, it's good to see that you're better. If you ever need me, feel free to call me."

"Thank you Carlisle."

He smiles at me and then he gives Jasper a pointed look before he leaves, leaving the door open.

"Excuse me." Jasper murmurs and throws his napkin on the table, following Carlisle.

I really don't want to eavesdrop, not at all but they're getting louder with each word until it's hard to miss them.

"It's won't happen again."

"How can you be so sure of that?"

"Because I won't let it."

"Jay, do you remember the last time it happened?"

"How can you ask that, you know I do."

"I just don't want you to have to go through that again. "

"I'm not a child Carlisle, I don't need you to tell me what's good for me and what not."

"I'm just worried about you, Jay, that's all. I love you and I don't want to see you like that ever again."

"I know you do but I'm still able to make my own decisions."

The next words are quieter and I can't hear them anymore. But that doesn't matter, I feel like I've already heard enough – too much actually.

What did Carlisle mean with "the last time it happened"?

* * *

_**Yes, what did he mean? Any ideas? **_

_**Sorry for not updating yesterday but I had a huuuuge headache and couldn't write - therefore the larger chapter today =)**_


	13. Decision

_**It's never easy and you never know**_  
_**What leaves you crying**_  
_**And what makes you whole**_

When Jasper comes back into the kitchen he looks tired and peeved.

Without acknowledging me he starts cleaning the table. I get up and help him and we work together in uncomfortable silence until I can't take it any longer.

"I think it's time for me to go home."

His face snaps to me and for the first time since his talk with Carlisle he looks me in the eyes.

"What? Why? You said you were thinking about staying?"

"Yes, that's right, I did and it was a nice offer, really Jasper, it's just that…..maybe it's better if I'd go home."

"It's because of my brother, right?" Even though it sounds like one I know it's not a question. If nothing else, the annoyed expression on his face tells me.

"Well, it looks like Carlisle doesn't think that me staying here would be such a good idea."

"Yeah but Carlisle sometimes forgets that he's my brother, not my father and that I'm old enough to make my own decisions – in my own house, no less."

"He seemed very insistent though." I can't help it, I heard them after all.

"I'm sorry that you had to hear that. But believe me, I know very well what's good for me and what not."

"Jasper, can I be honest with you?"

"I was hoping you are."

"I … it's just that ….you hardly know me and we didn't precisely meet under the greatest circumstances."

"So?"

"So…. Why would you want me to stay?

He sighs and runs a hand through his curls. He looks a long time to the floor until he rises his eyes to me again.

"I really don't know." He huffs before he goes on. "No, that's actually not true. I have reasons but they're just… Look, I can tell - and please forgive me if I'm wrong - that, for some reason, you feel better here. Maybe because it's the foreign surrounding that helps, nothing that triggers any bad feeling or memories. You're a writer, so I guess that is something you love doing, maybe more than anything else. But you said you haven't written a word in ten months. That means you haven't done what you love the most for ten months. See, I'm a photographer, if someone would tell me not to take photos for ten months, I would go crazy. So I can only imagine that what you're going through must be bad to be able to keep you from writing for so long. But I also guess that regardless what happened, you miss it and that you would love to write again... and if being here could help you doing it… well, then I'm more than happy to help you by letting you stay.

He did it again – he made me speechless. How does he do that, knowing exactly what's going on inside my head? How can he know how I feel after this short time? He doesn't even know why I wanted to kill myself and yet, he seems to know me better than the people who know me since years.

"I'd love to stay."

His answering smile is blinding and I feel the childish urge to reach out and press my forefinger into his dimples.

"Good. Well then, that's settled." He turns around only to turn back to me again.

"Oh, errr, by the way, uhm… yesterday, when we brought you inside, I searched your pockets, you know, to look for your passport - for your name but I couldn't find anything. So… my question is… did you lose it in... in the water, do you need to get it replaced or…?" he trails off, obviously uncomfortable with the subject of our conversation.

"No, I left everything in my car. I parked it … somewhere, I don't remember."

"Ah, ok. Well, if you want we could take a walk and look for it. Maybe you need a few things from your apartment? If you want we can get them… together… and then come back."

"Yes, I actually need my laptop and uhm, well, I can't stay in your clothes all the time, right?"

_Even though I'd love to because they smell so deliciously like you._

I think I hear him mumble something like "I wouldn't mind" but I'm sure I'm mistaken.

* * *

15 minutes later we're walking side by side through the fresh autumn air, looking for my car. The sun is out and paints the trees with wonderful colours in all shades of red and yellow. The air feels great and I turn my face upwards to catch the sunlight.

We're talking about Jasper being a photographer and he promised me to show some of his photos when we get back.

When we see my car Jasper suddenly stops and turns to me. The sun is playing in his golden curls, his cheeks are red from the fresh air and his eyes look like liquid silver in the light of day. The way he stands before me, dressed in a black peacoat, light blue jeans and black cowboy boots, the wind blowing his curls in and out of his face; I wish _I _was the photographer and could capture him the way he looks at this very moment.

_He's stunning._

"We don't have a key. You didn't have one on you." He ends my daydreaming.

I have to clear my throat to be able to answer him.

"I left it in the ignition."

He nods and we keep on walking towards my car.

"Do you want me to come with you or would you rather I stay inside?" He asked when we're in front of my apartment.

Giving the fact that my apartment doesn't look very well since I didn't care about cleaning much the last months, I feel embarrassed to bring him inside but the idea of going in alone doesn't seem very appealing to me either.

"No, you can come with me." And so we both get out of the car and inside the house.

When we walk through the front door I immediately recognize something I never realized before.  
My apartment is cold and empty. Even though it's completely furnished it looks abandoned - the complete opposite of Jaspers house.

I walk around and almost feel the loneliness coming off the walls

I look at Jasper who still stands beside the door.

"I'll just need a minute."

"Take your time." He answers and I go to my bedroom to get a bag.

As fast as I can I throw a few clothes, my toiletries and my iPod into the bag, snatch my laptop from my bedside table and head back to Jasper.

He's not where I left him, wondering where he's gone I drop my bag at the door and search for him. When I walk into the living room I find him standing at the sideboard, looking at the photos.

When he hears me he turns around, guilt written all over his face.

"I'm sorry for snooping around, I just wanted… I thought… I …uhm… I actually have no apology other than I was curious."

I chuckle at his honesty.

"It's ok, Jasper, I don't mind. Come on, let's go."

Without even looking at the photos once I turn around and leave my apartment with Jasper right behind me.

* * *

**_Can I have a Jasper too, please?_**


	14. Photographer

_**Hold on to anything  
**__**Everything's over and done  
**__**Has the fear taken over you  
**__**Tell me  
**__**Is that what you want  
**__**To make up your life**_

* * *

"You can have the spare room, I'm sorry that there's no real bed and you have to sleep on the folding bed."

"It's fine, Jasper, really." The room is empty apart from a table, a bookcase, a closet and now the folding bed but it's more than enough for me.

He leaves me alone to unpack my few belongings. I open the closet to put my clothes away and discover a single pair of green converse in the very back of it and a green shirt.

Odd. Why doesn't he keep them in his closet? Well, maybe they're Carlisle's. It's not my business anyway. I put my own clothes away and set the laptop on the table. I don't know where to put my toiletries so I stuff them into the closet too.

When I'm finished I go to the shelf and take a closer look at his books. He's got all kind of books, history, thriller, some about photography, art books and-

I gasp.

_"The art of the Snowflake – a photographic album"_

I'm immediately thrown back into the past, holding hands with James while he's buying the exact same book.

I swallow hard and suddenly feel like the walls are coming closer, the room starts spinning and my heart is hammering wildly against my ribcage.

I try to take a few calming breaths but it doesn't work.

_I need to get out._

I practically run out of the room and collide with Jasper. I place my hands on his shoulders in surprise and he takes a step back, holding my gaze, worry and questions in his eyes.

"Hey, are you ok?"

_No._

"What? Yes, I'm fine, you just… you just scared me, that's all." I take my hands off his shoulders and try to smile but I know it's not very convincing so I fake a yawn and put on my best 'I'm-alright-face'.  
"I'm a bit tired though, do you mind if I take a short nap?"

The mask doesn't work with him, I can tell. He doesn't believe me at all. Chewing the insides of his cheeks, he's probably deciding if he should really leave or stay. If he doesn't stop looking at me this way I'm gonna break and tell him the truth.

"Of course not. I can imagine you're pretty tired after this morning and … all this." His eyes follow me as I make my way to the couch and sit down, pretending to be very interested in his couch cushions.

"I need to run a few errands though; will you be ok here alone?"

_I don't know._

"Yes, sure, go ahead."

"Just make yourself at home, I won't take long. Do you need anything?"

"No thanks, I'm good."

_No, I'm not._

"Ok… Oh, I left my number on the table, just in case." I can tell that he's unwilling to leave, maybe he's worried about what I will do when I'm alone for too long.

I give him a reassuring smile and with one last hesitation at the door he's gone... and the silence screams at me, reminding me, that I'm alone.

Alright, I can do this. I just have to concentrate. It's easy, I've done it a millions times before.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Don't think.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Don't think.

Breathe in.

Breathe o-

Let's see what's on television.

I zap through the channels but nothing is strong enough to keep my thoughts occupied, they stray on forbidden ground and I can feel that I'm losing the battle against myself.

I jump up from the couch and walk around, stretching my arms over my head and taking deep breaths I desperately try to prevent a panic attack.

I walk into the kitchen and drink a glass of water in one go.

Doesn't work.

I drink a second one.

_Shit._

Don't lose it Edward, you did so well.

Aimlessly I keep on walking through the house, taking a quick glance into every room until I find one that looks like a dark room. I put on the red light and shamelessly walk inside.

There are photos everywhere. Some are black and white some in colour. Some are hanging on a line, some are piled on a table and the window ledge. I don't want to touch anything, bad enough that I'm in here without asking. Still, I get closer to look at hung up ones.

The photos are black and white. The first one shows a beautiful blonde woman in a long, black, strapless dress. The contrast is pretty hard and she looks very severe and dominant. The second one shows the same woman but this time she's wearing a white, flowing dress and the contrast is much softer. Her expression is very tender. I take a look at the remaining 5 photos and they all show the same woman, wearing different dresses every time. The way she looks into the camera ranges from sexy and seductive to playfully and lovingly. She looks like she's in love with the camera - or the man behind it.

I guess that answers one of my questions about Jasper - he's straight.


	15. Open Doors

_**How can you see into my eyes like open doors?**_  
_**Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb**_

* * *

"What are you doing in here?"

_Fuck._

I turn around and find Jasper leaning in the doorway.

"I was just…I was wandering around the house, trying to… I didn't…"

"Trying to, what? He crosses his arms over his chest and his whole body is in defensiveness  
His face though shows nothing but friendliness and honest curiosity.

I sigh and turn my head away from him. This is going to be embarrassing; he'll think I won't be able to survive a minute without someone around me. _Preferably him._

"I was trying to distract myself... I … Jasper, I'm really sorry for going through your stuff, I have no right to be in here without your permission, I know that. Please forgive me." I look up to him, hoping that he will accept my apology.

He tilts his head to the side and purses his lips.

"Distract you from what?"

"I… I had a panic attack."

He pushes away from the wall and steps in front of me. So close and yet not close enough.

_Gee, he smells good._

"Why didn't you call me?"

"It's nothing I haven't dealt with before. It wasn't necessary to disturb you, I just needed something to distract me."

"Oh…. I still wish you would have called me though." He murmurs and takes a few steps back, taking his wonderful scent with him. He looks thoughtfully at his photos. "Did it help?"

And in this moment I realize that yes, the attack is over, it did help.

"Yes, it did."

"Good." He smiles "And just so you know, don't mind you being in here or looking at my work. I told you to feel at home and I meant it."

"You're back pretty fast." I blur out and he looks confused.

"Do you think? I've been away for over an hour and a half."

_Oh._Was he really away for so long? I could have sworn that it has only been a few minutes.

"So I guess you didn't take that nap you were talking about?"

"Uhm, no."

"Wanna take it now?"

"Yeah, I guess." After this attack I really need to rest a bit, I feel completely worn out.

I lay down on the couch and get myself comfortable. He's standing across the couch table with a camera in his hands, checking the settings.

"Edward, is there anything you want me to remove from your room?" He asks suddenly, his eyes focused on his work.

_How can he know that?_

"No, everything is fine, thank you, Jasper."

He glances up at me, looking disappointed and almost a bit angry. But I don't want him to change everything just for me, he's already doing enough for me. I'll just have to put myself together.

"Alright, if you say so. I'll be outside, if you need me."

I rub my hands over my face and wonder if it really was such a good idea to stay. I think back to the blonde in the photos and I'm immediately sure that, no, it wasn't such a good idea - at all.

And then my eyes close on their own accord and I know nothing more.

* * *

"Hey sleepy head. Gonna sleep the whole day away?"

I blink a few times before I open my eyes completely. Jasper is leaning over the couch, smiling down at me.

"How long did I sleep?"

"A couple of hours. It's almost seven."

"What? Oh no." He chuckles as I sit up on the couch, rubbing my eyes.

"I'm really no good company, huh? Why didn't you wake me earlier?"

"Aw, don't say that. When you're tired - you're tired. And you're not here to keep me company, you're here so you can write, remember?"

"Yeah, and I didn't do that either, did I?"

"There's no rush, you can start tomorrow and if you don't feel like it then, then you'll start the day after that. And if you decide that you can't write about it after all then that's fine too."

_Why does he have to be so nice?_

"But I want to write again."

His smile is blinding and I wish I could set the butterflies in my stomach free, which are forcefully trying to escape every time he flashes his dimples.

"Good, that's great. If the wish to write something is back then you're on a good way. Now, what do you want to do with the rest of the evening? Oh and I hope you're not against junk food, I ordered pizza because I'm not that long back either and I'm kind of too lazy to cook."

"Pizza sounds great and maybe we can watch the last episode of 'Sherlock'?"

"Sounds like a plan"

45 minutes later we're finished with out pizzas and snuggled up on the sofa again, each of us at one end. Jasper made popcorn and the bowl is standing on the sofa between us

Every now and then our fingers brush when we both reach into the bowl at the same time. The first time he looked at me and smiled, quickly turning his attention back to the film. And now I'm sitting here, watching him from the corner of my eye, trying to keep myself from reaching for the bowl, every time he does it.

I watch him chewing and his Adams apple move as he swallows. He keeps on tucking a persistent curl behind his ear, only to have to do it again a few seconds later.  
With a snappy remark Sherlock lets the dimples appear on Jasper's face and his beauty is almost ridicules.

I could sit here and watch his facial expressions all day long and in this moment I wish nothing more, than to be able to keep him in my life somehow. I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

He turns to me, raising one eyebrow and I realize that I'm no longer observing him secretly from the corner of my eyes but openly gaze at him.

_I just hope I didn't drool. _

I quickly reach for the popcorn but his hand is already in the bowl and we collide once again. He looks down and for some unknown reason I'm not able to pull my hand away.

I don't even grab some popcorn; I just keep my hand on his.

He looks back up and in his eyes is a storm raging, so untamed, that it takes my breath away.

I like my lips and my breathing becomes shallow. I feel like I'm standing on the edge, seconds before my first bungee jump. I just need someone to push me.

His eyes are still intensely on me, when he slowly pulls his hand out from under mine. His skin slides against mine, it's warm and soft and I want to curl my fingers and keep him there. But I don't and so he raises his hand and stuffs some popcorn in his mouth. He turns his head back to the TV and breaks the spell I'm under.

_What was that?_

Suddenly he's getting nervous, shifting on the couch, bouncing his knee and glancing in my direction ever so often.

"If you're tired and want to watch the rest another time, that's fine."

What?

"No, I'm not tired at all, thanks to the not so short nap I took this afternoon." I try to lighten his strange mood.

"Oh yeah….. right." He leans back and his right knee keeps bouncing.

Maybe he suspects something.

_Shit. _

Maybe that's why he's suddenly so nervous; he thinks I came onto him. Oh no, please God don't let me have ruined it already.

What should I do? Should I apologise? Pretend that nothing happened?

_What to do? What to do?_

I look at him again and he's biting his lower lip and when I look back to the TV, I see why.

Sherlock is standing at the roof of the hospital, ready to jump.

_Fuck. _

I glance at Jasper but his eyes are locked on the screen.  
Of course he didn't want me to see that. He probably thinks it'll throw me back, make me sad again. He doesn't know how much he helped me already.

We watch in silence the few remaining minutes. I don't know why but seeing Sherlock alive in the end makes me feel better somehow.

"Will you try it again?" Jasper breaks the silence, talking for the first time in almost an hour.

I wait until he finally looks at me before I give him my answer.

"No."


	16. Scared

_**Dying is easy**_  
_**It's living that scares me to death**_

* * *

"Do you want to talk about it?"

_I don't know. Do I?_

He takes the bowl, places it on the table and turns his front to me. With one leg bend he's sitting half Indian style, his right arm casually draped over the back of the couch.

"I know it's not easy to trust a stranger and you hardly know me but… See, I have a faint idea of what might have happened but I think it'll be easier for us – for me, when I understand what's going on with you, how to handle the situation, what I can do and what things to avoid. I don't want to accidentally say something or do something that reminds you of….. him. But if you think that you can't or don't want to tell me, then please don't feel pressured to do it."

I bet he has more than a "faint idea". Jasper is a very clever person and a damned good observer. Keeping a secret from him must be nearly futile.

"'No, I think you deserve to know what happened. I feel bad enough already."

"Bad? Why?"

"Jasper, you are such a nice person, I can tell even though we hardly know each other and I'm really thankful – more than thankful - for everything you've done so far, so please don't get me wrong… but …I feel like ...like I take advantage of you."

His brows furrow and he pensively rubs his chin.

"Alright… I'll come back to that later, just this for now, I don't feel that way – at all. So please, don't think you have to tell me because you owe me something."

_But I do and I have to. _

And so I tell him, I tell him everything. My relationship wit James, how happy I thought we were. How out of the blue he told me that he doesn't love me, what a shock it has been and how he chattered my world with only four words. _I don't love you._

I tell him how I have "lived" my life since then. I tell him how hard I tried, every day, to move on, to get better and how I have been thrown back, every time I saw him or heard something about him. I tell him from the pain and the emptiness I felt, from the hopelessness and that I felt like nothing would ever be able to close the hole in my chest, to heal my broken heart.

I tell him from this morning when Emmet told me about James and his new friend and how that made me realize, that it will never get better and that I was fooling myself by thinking it would. By thinking that I would wake up one day and everything would be miraculously okay.

"I just don't want to live like this. I feel like being trapped in a labyrinth, scared of which memory I will find behind the next corner. You see, there are songs I can't listen to anymore, songs I once loved. There are movies I can't watch anymore, books I can't read, words I can't use. I was at a point where it seemed to be so much easier to die than to live. I ...I don't want to have to pick myself up from the floor every fucking day. I can't live like this anymore. It's killing me but in a slow and crucial way."

I have to stop myself because I can feel tears threatening to spill and I don't want to lose it in front of him.

He's silent for long moments and I don't know what to make of this silence. His eyes are on me, studying me as if he's trying to read beyond my words.

"And what was it that triggered the panic attack?"

I sigh, of course I didn't fool him. "It was a book. A book that.. that he had too."

He just nods and goes back to silence. I'm starting to get nervous, wondering what he will say next or do next.  
He knows now for sure that I'm gay. I wonder how he feels about that. Is he ok with it? He doesn't seem like one who would be grossed out by it. But you never know. And what does he think about what I told him? Does he think I'm pathetic? And how does he always seem to know what I need?

_Jesus, would you please say something._

"No need to get nervous Edward, I'm just thinking, give me a second."

How does he- ? And then it occurs to me – he's been there before. That's why he knows what's going on in my head. In one way or another he has been in such a situation before.

_Oh my god._

Did somebody he knows try to kill himself too? Could he save this person? Did he lose him - or her? Or worse - did _he _try to kill himself?

My thoughts are a mess and I momentarily don't know how to cope with this new knowledge. I want to ask him, I _will _ask him. But not now. Now I need to know what is going on in his head.

"And why do you feel that you're taking advantage of me?" he suddenly speaks up, asking me another question instead of telling me what he is thinking about all this.

I don't want to answer this question but I have to tell him the truth. If I want to stay – if _he _still wants me to stay – then I have to be honest.

"Because you're making me feel better."

"And why is that bad?"

"Because like you more than I should. And that scares me to death."

* * *

**_Please, please, please tell me what you think._ **


	17. The problem

_**Now comes the night**_  
_**Feel it fading away**_  
_**And the soul underneath**_  
_**Is it all that remains**_

_"Because I like you more than I should. And that scares me to death."_

* * *

"Why?"

_Why?_

"Don't you see? That's the problem that brought me here in the first place. I loved James and he didn't love me and now I'm this mess. And then I meet you and you're so nice and… and …"

"So, me being straight … is that the main problem?"

"No. Yes... I shouldn't like you. I _can't _like you. Not this way. There's no sense in it. You're straight and even if you were not, I don't ever want to go through such a pain again.

"Does that mean you never want to fall in love again?"

"It's… safer this way."

"That's a sad choice."

"Maybe. But at this time in my life it seems like the best choice."

"Edward, a lot of people break up, every day. It's something you're never safe of. You can't just throw your life away because it happened to you. I know you're hurt, I understand that. I can imagine how you feel and that you never want to feel that way again. But if you stop risking getting hurt then you also stop getting the chance to love – and to be loved. You can't just stop yourself from feeling something. And by the way, I don't think it works that way. You can't choose if and who you fall in love with. It just happens. "

"But therein lays the problem. You are the problem."

"Me? So you wouldn't have this problem with anyone else?"

"No."

"Could you please explain this to me, it seems that I'm missing something here."

I let out a heavy sigh, having no idea _how _to explain this to him.

"The first person who is able to make me feel something, who made me laugh, for the first time in ten months, who makes me feel hope… is straight. The first person I even notice in that way since I was with James, is straight. If it would be someone else, someone gay then it wouldn't be _that _bad, although even then I wouldn't risk it. I just can't imagine loving someone else again. I can't see myself with another person. I never thought I would ever think this way again. And then you come along and…don't you see? I run from one disaster to another. There's no way out for me. I just can't win. I understand if you want me to leave now, I shouldn't have stayed here in the first place. I… I…"

I get up and walk over to the window, tears running down my face, turning my view into a bleary misery.

I didn't hear him getting up from the sofa but I feel him standing behind me.

"Edward, would you please turn around?"

I take a deep breath, willing my body to turn towards him even though everything in me screams not to do it. I don't want to see the rejection on his face. I don't want to lose him as a friend, he was the only ray of light in my impenetrable darkness. But I know I will, there's no way that this will end good. I ruined it by telling him the truth.

My eyes are squeezed shut, I can't look at him, I just can't. I wish I could just dissolve, fade into air.

I feel his hands cupping my face and lifting it gently.

_Please don't make me look you in the eyes._

His thumbs are wiping the tears away from my cheeks. Even now he's nice, sending me away in such a gentle way.

"Look at me. Please."

_Please don't._

I open my eyes and he's so close, I can see tiny freckles decorating his nose and cheeks. I store every little detail of his face to my memory for later. The storm in his eyes is back but the calmness his body is radiating is almost palpable, it's soothing even though everything in me is trembling.

"I want you to answer me one question."

* * *

**_I really didn't mean to end the chapter here but I had no other choice._**


	18. More

_**Well even wallflowers need some water**_  
_**And some tender care**_

* * *

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes." _And can you tell me why I don't even have to think about the answer?_

"I think it's time that_ I _tell you something."

He walks over to the couch and I follow. Sitting down beside him, I wonder what he's going to tell me.

He doesn't say a word for a while, only looking at the table in front of him. When his voice finally breaks the silence it is quiet and somehow hollow.

"His name was Sam. He was...I never met anyone like him. He was … so alive, there's no other word to describe him than alive."

He laughs cheerlessly and shakes his head.

"He was intoxicating; he could get you to do anything. And _he _was always doing something, always moving, always in action. He never stood still.

We lived in the city, right in the centre. He said he needed the noises around him so he wouldn't hear the noises inside his head. Silence was the worst for him. Silence and stagnancy.

He needed changes. I often came home to find our whole apartment rearranged. He couldn't stand to live in the same ambiance for too long. He couldn't live with boredom. Boredom didn't exist in his vocabulary, no more than laziness.

Sam was an artist, you know. That's how we met, in a gallery where young, unknown artist could show their work. I showed my photos and he his paintings.

The second I saw them I was fascinated by his them, they radiated so much life, I was stunned.

When we met there, we just clicked and a few weeks later we moved into this apartment in the city, which was big enough for an atelier for him and a dark room for me.

He was very fast very successful; Galleries were falling all over themselves to get his paintings. But whatever he did, whatever aim he achieved, it was never enough. He was never satisfied, he always needed more. And his biggest fear was that, no matter what he did, he would never reach this "more" he needed. That he would never be satisfied.

His mood changes were sometimes unbearable. It wasn't easy living with him. Sometimes he was so angry, he destroyed a month worth of work. He screamed at me, only to fall to his knees an hour later, telling me how sorry he was. I of course never took it seriously, after all, he was an artist and they are all a bit extravagant, right?"

He smirks at me but I can only look back at him, captivated by the story he's telling me.

"One day I came home and found him lying on the floor in his atelier, barely alive. He had taken some pills and drowned them with a half bottle of vodka… I called an ambulance. They saved him, telling me that I found him just in time. I was devastated. I never thought that he could possible do something like that. Later he told me, that he didn't know any other way to escape this madness he felt. He wanted to be _more _and didn't know how. He said he always knew that it would destroy him one day.

After this I tried everything to help him, to find this _more _he was looking for. I was there for him, whatever mood he was in. I was so sure that, if I was careful enough, if I was observant enough, if I would just be …enough, it wouldn't happen again.

He painted like a madman and his pictures were fantastic as always. He made a lot of money and got a lot of appreciation … but it wasn't enough. It was never enough. Nothing was enough, not even-"

He swallows hard and rubs his eyes before he goes on.

"The evening of his last vernissage I could tell that something was wrong. He was so quiet - he was _never _quiet. As soon as he entered a room everyone knew it.  
But not this evening. He was mostly by himself, even though it was his own vernissage. He was strolling around the room, looking so intently at his paintings as if he was searching for something, as if he were seeing them for the first time. I tried to cheer him up, telling him how the people loved his work and that he almost sold every picture after only half an hour. He smiled at me, telling me that that was good and that he was happy that _I_ was happy. I asked him what was wrong but he just waved me off, telling me that nothing was wrong, quite the contrary, that _now_everything was fine.

At that time I didn't realize that this _now _meant actually the end.

The evening wore on and at some point I realized that I hadn't seen him in quite a while, so I went looking for him. But I couldn't find him. A bad feeling, some kind of foreboding filled me, made shiver from cold while my palms started sweating.

I went home and when I opened the door to his atelier my hands were shaking because deep down I already knew what I would find.

He was lying there, in front of an unfinished picture. This time he made sure that he couldn't be saved. He... he had cut both his wrist…. He was already dead when I found him."

His voice is starting to shake and he takes a few deep breaths.

"My world shattered… He was dead and I blamed myself. I didn't take enough care of him. I failed at keeping him alive.

When they came and took him away I... I fell apart. I felt empty and cold and lonely. The apartment was so lonely without him. He had taken all the life with him.  
That night I didn't want to go to sleep because I didn't want to wake up to the knowledge that he wasn't there anymore. I sat the whole night in front of his last picture, refusing to go to sleep. But of course, at some point, I fell asleep, right there on the floor.

He had reached his _more _and realized that after this _more_ - came nothing. There was nothing left and that was even worse than never reaching this _more_."

He bows his head and starts crying. I scoot forward on the sofa and wrap my arms around him. I don't know if it's ok but I can't just let him sit there like this, he looks so lost and heartbroken. I never thought that this sunny face could look so sad. He sobs quietly into my shoulder and I tighten my arms around him, rubbing soothing circles across his back. .

"I'm so sorry, Jasper. I'm sorry that you had to go through this, losing your best friend like this."

He leans away from me and I let my arms fall from his warm body. His eyes are red and he looks bemused.

"No, Edward, Sam wasn't my best friend. He was my partner."

"He was… what? How? I thought..." _But then who's the woman in the pictures? _

"I am gay, Edward. And Sam was my boyfriend."

_Oh_

He is gay. And this Sam was his boyfriend.

It takes a moment till I get a grip on myself and remember, that this is not about me but about the still sniffling man in front of me, who just poured his heart out.  
I asked myself what was worse – being left by someone who doesn't love you or loving someone who loves you back and still leaves you?

"I'm sorry for your loss Jasper, I… I don't know what else to say."

"It's ok, you don't need to say anything, I just wanted you to be able to understand me too."

"I do, thank you Jasper and I... Wait, why did you ask if I trust you?

Never taking his eyes from mine he leans forward and cups my face in his hands, tilting it down a little bit. Not knowing what he's doing I close my eyes and try to calm my suddenly wild beating heart by taking a deep breath.

And then I feel his soft lips tenderly brushing my forehead. My heart skips a beat and I feel like I'm melting into his touch. He lingers for a moment before I can feel him moving even closer. His cheek is grazing against mine until I feel his hot breath on my ear, sending a shiver down my spine when he whispers.

"Because I like you too."

* * *

**_Please forgive all my spelling and grammar errors._**


	19. Empty

_**I am the sound of love's arriving  
Echoed softly on the sand  
Lay your head upon my shoulder  
Lay your hand within my hand**_

* * *

I lean back from him and instantly miss the warmth of his touch as his hands fall down into his lap.

"What?" is my brilliant question.

He looks a bit sheepishly and … shy. _Is he blushing?_

"I said, I like you too."

_No. No, no, no. This can't happen._

I scoot a little bit back on the couch and his face falls, as he recognizes my withdrawal.

"Jasper, I...don't get me wrong but…"

_Ugh, this won't be easy._

"It's ok, you don't …. I was just … nevermind." By now his face lost all it's natural happiness and he looks just as sad as he did a few minutes ago.

_Of course I do mind. You like me. And I don't want to see you sad. But this can't be, no matter if I might want it or not._

I'm obviously silent for too long because he gets up, ready to leave.

_Hell no._

I grab his wrist and he looks down at me questioningly.

"Jasper, I... let me explain? Please."

"You don't need to explain anything."

"But I want to. Please let me." He sits back down on the couch and the huge space he leaves between us makes my heart ache.

_I don't want to lose you._

"I meant what I said, I like you and... I think, in some twisted way, we're both good for each other – at least I hope so – and maybe we can help each other to get over our pasts and… heartbreaks. But I don't want... no, that's not true, I can't give you anything else than friendship because, you see, there's nothing there. When Jay left, he took everything of me with him and I have nothing left to give. I feel like an empty shell and it wouldn't be fair to either of us, if I would pretend that there's something. And I don't want you to be someone who just fills a void because you're already too important for that. BUt please understand that I can't be anything more to you than a friend, at least not now. I'm sorry."

Despite everything I just said he smiles widely at me and I wonder which of my words is worth this reaction.

"I understand and I accept your decision. Though I like the "not now" part because it means, that there's still a possibility that, maybe, one day, this _now _will come."

I have to smile at his optimism.

"Do you still want me to stay?"

"Of course I want, that was never the question, Edward. You're wrong about one thing though."

Now it's my time to look at him questioningly.

"I don't think you're empty and you still have a lot to give!"

* * *

_**More tomorrow – promise ;)  
**_


	20. Dark Room

_**Come on, come on **_  
_**Put your hands into the fire **_  
_**Explain, explain **_  
_**As I turn, I meet the power**_

* * *

"Who's the woman in your photos?"

We're sitting side by side on a bench at the river. Jasper brought his camera and took photos of all kind of things for the last two hours.

Watching him working is amazing. He's lost in his work, his face a mixture of concentration and enjoyment, you can clearly see, that he enjoys what he is doing. From time to time he looks at me and smiles.

I think of his words – "_I don't think you're empty and you still have a lot to give!"_– and wonder what he is seeing in me that I don't.

He turns his head to me, squinting his eyes against the sun.

"The blond one?" I nod. "That's Vicky – Victoria, my sister. She's a model and lives in New York. Sometimes he comes here or I visit her to make new photos for her portfolio. She's great, don't you think?"

"Yes... yes she is." I sigh, remembering the photos and what I thought about them.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh eh, nothing, I ...it's, when I saw the photos and the way she looks into the camera, I thought she would be…you know... your girlfriend."

It starts as a chuckle but quickly turns into a full-blown laughter and then he's laughing like a madman, almost falling from the bench.

"You though... that's priceless, priceless." He's laughing so hard, tears are rolling down his face. "First you think I'm with my brother … and then my sister. I can't even decide what's funnier." His words are interrupted by his laughter. "I so have to tell her this."

"Yeah, yeah, as long as you enjoy yourself." I'm trying to look offended but, needlessly to say, it doesn't work because his laughter is so infectious that I have to join him.

"Oh, I do, believe me, I enjoy myself a lot – and you." He winks at me and wipes the tears away with his sleeve.

* * *

When we're back at his house he shows me how he develops the photos. Standing beside him in the silence and gloominess of his dark room, I again watch him as he works. I can barely see his face in the red light but from what I see, it's got the same expression it had when he took the photos.

Beside the noises from his work, it's quiet in the room and everything is more intense, almost intimate. I can hear him breathing and the rustling of his clothes when he moves. I smell the faint scent of his cologne and the fresh autumn air I his blond curls. When he reaches over for something I can feel the heat radiating off his body.

When he's finished, he hangs the new photos up for drying and I step closer to take a look.

Looking at his photos, seeing the world through his eyes is fascinating. He definitely doesn't see things the way "common people" do. He takes pictures of ordinary things and turns them into something special, into a work of art and no matter how small and insignificant they seem – he shows that they aren't. It's like he looks behind what is obvious to find the inner core of his object and then he takes a photo and lays it's soul bare, for the rest of the world to see.

Once again I think back of his words and wonder if he is looking at me the same way. Maybe he's able to look behind the empty shell and sees something, that is buried beneath the pain, something that is lying there, hidden to the rest of the world, including myself, waiting to be found again - the Edward I used to be a long time ago.

"I really like your photos, they are amazing. I don't know how you do it but you manage to make people see the word differently. You're very talented."

He blushes gorgeously and smiles. "Thank you, I'm glad you like them. You can look around, you know." He waves his hand, looking around the room.

With great pleasure I accept his offer and look at the photos which are lying around, some openly, some in albums. I sit down and forget the time while getting get lost in his world.

He's rummaging around me, putting stuff away and cleaning up.

"What's this?" I ask when I grab a stack of photos which are held together by a string.

"Oh these are just pictures of myself. I tested the autotimer on a new camera."

I loose the string and look through the photos.

He doesn't smile in the pics, he looks concentrated and a bit tired and … beautiful.

"You could be a model, you know?"

"Me? Oh no, I prefer the place behind the camera. And believe me, I wouldn't be a good model, they have to look perfect no matter what time it is. When I took these it was late at night and I was tired a hell - I look like shit." He laughs and puts another can of chemicals away.

"You look beautiful." I blur out and he almost drops the can when he hastily turns to me.

"I mean, I like your face, it's like an open book. You always try to hide what's written in it but it doesn't work, you can't cover it, it's always there for me to see – every feeling written on your beautiful face." I murmur and this time it's me who is blushing.

The way he looks at me makes my legs turn into Jell-O and my heartbeat speeds up dramatically. He swallows hard and I watch his Adams apple move as he steps closer to me.

* * *

_**Well, it's not as if you didn't already know that I'm evil ;)**_


	21. First kiss

_**But it's alright  
Why don't you tell me my friend  
Say you'll be with me  
When the heartache ends  
**_

* * *

Carefully, as if approaching a frightened child, he comes closer. Slowly. Patiently.

There are all kinds of emotions crossing his face and I have a hard time catching them, what I see is fear, wonder, doubt, determination, longing and hope.

I can't take my eyes off of him, I can't even move.

He only stops when he's right in front of me, so close, I can feel his breath on my face. It's accelerated and shallow and it smells of the coffee he just had. The air around us seems to buzz with anticipation and my heart is trying to beat it's way out of my chest

His gaze wanders from my mouth to my eyes and dives right through them, settling in my soul. Under his intense stare I feel vulnerable and exposed and…protected.

"Just once. Please." His voice is quiet, just above a whisper but steady, betraying the rapid heartbeat I can see pulsing in the vein of his throat. I don't think and let my heart answer him.

"Yes."

The corners of his mouth are twitch and relieve brushes the fear and doubt from his face.

And then he leans in, slowly closing the little space between us. I can see his eyes flutter shut a moment before his lips touch mine. My eyes close on their own accord as I feel his lips softly brushing against mine - once, twice before they linger.

He hums and his lips start gently moving against mine. They are soft and warm, wet and firm

_I want more._

My lips are starting to move too and I hear him sighing softly as our mouths are dancing and caressing, testing and tasting.

He doesn't touch me, we keep our hands to ourself, only our lips are connected. There's no tongue, just lips. The kiss is slow, sensual and promising, it feels amazing. _He_feels amazing.

I'm surrounded by his heavenly scent, his curls are tickling my cheek and the heat of his body warms me to my inner core.

_Please don't stop._

But he does.

As slowly as he leaned in, he leans back again, his eyes open and the darkening grey that shines through them is so intense, it's almost violet.

"Thank you." he whispers and his breath washes over my lips. I lick them and can still taste him on my skin.

_Delicious_.

Suddenly I realize, what I did. I just told him, that all I want from him, is being a friend and the next second I kiss him. I feel embarrassed and dishonest. What I did was unfair.

But it felt so good and I wanted it – I still do.

I feel lost. What must he think of me now?

"Look at me Edward." His hand reaches out to mine and he runs his fingertips gently over my knuckles.

"I know, you said, that you only want to be friends and I respect that. I'm sorry for asking you to kiss me anyway but I just couldn't help myself. I hope you can forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive you for Jasper, I … I actually enjoyed it very much. And I don't regret it if it's that what you think."

"Oh, ok, well, I'm more than relieved to hear that. So... would you mind if we... If I'd ask you to do it again... sometime?"

_Please._

"I think, friends can kiss each other … every now and then... " I trail off. _Did I just say that out loud?_

He raises an eyebrow in question but I just shrug.

He leans in again and gives me a quick peck on the lips. "I like the way you think." He winks at me before he turns around and walks out the door.

Yes, I'm definitely lost – and I love it.

* * *

**_Too fast, too slowly - tell me what you think._ **


	22. Free fall

_**Our lives are made**_  
_**In these small hours**_  
_**These little wonders,**_  
_**These twists & turns of fate**_  
_**Time falls away,**_  
_**But these small hours,**_  
_**These small hours still remain**_

* * *

"So, there's a fair this weekend. Wanna go?"

I look up from my laptop to find him standing in the doorway to "my room". I'm currently writing on my story and I'm surprised, because it's much easier than I thought. But I only just started and everything I write about is nice and nothing hurts... let's see how it goes when I get to the bad part.

"A fair? I don't know. That's a place where you're supposed to be happy and have fun."

"Yeah...?"

"I don't think I would be a good company for such a place. I don't want to ruin your fun. Why don't you go with Carlisle?"

He sighs, clearly not pleased with my suggestion. Walking over to the bed, he sits down on the edge and leans back on his hands.

"I'm asking you because I wanna go with you. And because I think it would be a good distraction."

"Yeah, maybe... but still, I don't feel like being around "shiny happy people" right now."

With a huff he gets up again and walks towards the door.

"Well then, if you're not going, I'm not going."

"That's not fair."

"I never said I was." He turns around, already looking like he knows he'll win.

_Hmpf. _

"Come on, it'll be fun."

_Is he making puppy dog eyes? _

_That won't work! _

_Well, maybe a bit. He looks cute._

_Nope, won't work._

"Please."

_Aw, fuck it._

"Okay, I'm coming."

He mumbles something under his breath I don't catch, before he grins widely at me.

"Good choice."

* * *

And so here we are, standing at the entrance of the fair like two kids who can't decide what toy to play first with.

The fair is huge and bright and colourful, people laughing everywhere and having fun and a good time - and I feel like I don't belong here.

"So, what do you wanna try first?"

I look around, trying to find anything that draws my interest but I come up empty. Jasper looks at me expectantly, so I point at the first thing I see.

"How about the free fall tower?"

"Uhm... ok."

"Want to try something else?"

"No, no, that'll be fun. Let's go."

Five minutes later we pull the over-the-shoulder harnesses down and latch them into the buckles, waiting with 30 other people to get up - and fall down.

Jasper's been strangely quiet since we stood in line for the tickets and I wonder why. It's unusual behaviour for him, especially since he wouldn't stop talking the whole drive here, telling me how much he loves going to fairs, ever since he was a kid.

Maybe it's the anticipation.

The last two empty seats are taken by two giggling girls and the ride operators go around and check to make sure everybody is secure.

I turn to Jasper to ask him if he's enjoying himself but when I see his face I pause.

"Jasper, are you okay?"

"Who, me? Yeah Yeah, sure."

The way he's gripping the harness tells otherwise though.

"But you look kind of... pale."

"I'm fine. Totally fine."

And then they activate the ride.

The ring of seats slowly rises, providing a bit of a nerve-rattling false start, as the compressed air builds in the tower. The seats then lower slightly and pause for what seems like an eternity. I watch the other people, some of them raising their arms in the air as if reaching for the sky.

"Oh God."

I look over and Jasper has his eyes clenched shut. The muscles in his arms are straining and his knuckles are white. He is clearly _not_enjoying himself.

"Jasper, are you scared?"

"No."

"Are you really okay?"

"No."

"What's wrong?"

"I don't want to die."

_What?_

"What?" But his answer is swallowed by a scream as the ride blasts off like a bullet and soars to a nosebleed 200-foot height.

I reach over and pry his hand free from the iron grip he has on the harness and take it in mine – and instantly regret it.

He grips my hand so tight I'm worried for the blood circulation in my fingers.

"Jay, nothing will happen."

"Uh huh." he replies, his eyes still squeezed shut.

The ride then drops and rises a couple of times to deliver some more G-force jolts before it slowly rises to the very top of the tower and hangs there for what seems like an eternity and a half.

I look around, the city lights and the stars above are like a picture from a postcard.

Anticipating the ensuing drop, attached to an open seat, with legs and arms dangling, and Jasper hanging onto me for dear life however, it's difficult to really appreciate the view.

I give Jaspers hand a encouraging squeeze and then, without warning...

Ahhhhhhh

The ride drops nearly 200 feet, then bounces a few times up and down the tower before slowly going up again.

People around us screaming and cheering and laughing.

I hear Jasper moan and the paleness of his face has turned into some kind of green and I feel really sorry for him.

"Jay?" I squeeze his hand, hoping to get him to look at me.

"I'm fine, I'm fine, don't worry." he manages between gasps.

And then we're going down again.

And up.

And down.

The third time we stay down longer and it looks like the ride is finally over. I'm about to loose my grip on Jasper's hand when we hear the voice of the operator through the speaker.

"Do you want some more?"

"No, no, no." comes pleadingly from beside me but the God's are not on Jasper side when the voice speaks again.

"Ok, you'll get it."

And we're going up - again.

"Oh Lord."

I don't know why but for some reason Jasper decides to open his eyes when we're all the way up at the top. He looks down to the nothing between his dangling feet if possible turns even greener.

"Oh my God, Oh my God, oh fuck."

He closes his eyes just in time before we're going down again. This time - thank God - for the last time.

* * *

I find him on the side of the fair, bend over, emptying his stomach into the bushes. The second his feet touched the ground he was up and off, trying to walk as fast as he could on wobbly legs.

"Jay...?"

"Don't come any closer. That's really not a view I'd like to share." He rasps before he retches again.

I walk over to the closest hotdog booth to buy him a water and grab some napkins.

When I return, he's sitting on the bench with an embarrassed expression. I sit down beside him and hand him the napkins and the water.

"Thank you." he mumbles, wiping his mouth and taking a huge gulp of water which he spits out beside the bench.

"Why didn't you say no when I asked you?"

He takes another gulp and just shrugs.

"We could have ride on something else, you know? Why didn't you say something when you're scared?"

"Because you wanted to go and I thought you would have fun and I thought...well, when these kids can go, it can't be that bad... Guess I was wrong."

He smiles sheepishly at me and we decide to stay on the ground for the rest of the evening.

We walk around for a while, just watching the people and the different rides, talking about nothing special, just enjoying each others company.

When we pass a booth where you can throw a ball into a pyramid of cans I turn to him.

"Hey, let me win something for you."

"What?"

I point over to the booth.

"Ok but only if I can win something for you too after."

"Deal."

We walk over to the green and red colored booth. The owner is an older man with grey hair and a cigar tucked in the corner of his mouth. He explains, that I have to get the whole cans with one ball to have free choice.

I take the three balls and place two of them on the counter. Jasper is standing beside me, his elbow bumping against my side every now and then.

I throw the first ball and leave two cans standing.

Jasper whistles through his teeth.

"Not bad, little more concentration maybe." He suggests cheekily and steps even closer. His completely front now touching my left side.

I glance at him sideways but his gaze is innocently focused on the cans.

I lift my right arm and right before I throw the ball I can feel him blowing against my neck.

The ball almost hits the booth owner and Jasper chuckles beside me.

"This way you're ain't gonna win me anythin', boy." He brings out his southern accent, still chuckling.

I glare at him but he just grins and the two dimples ruin my attempt to look angry.

_Alright then. _

I place my left hand on his chest and lean slowly closer. He inhales audible and under my hand I can feel his heartbeat accelerating. Smiling to myself I lean closer still and place my mouth at his ear.

"Would you mind?" I ask in my most seductive voice before gently shoving him away from me.

When he's far enough away for me to look at him I have to laugh at his adorable, heartbreaking pout.

"Payback's a bitch." I say and throw my last ball, sending the cans flying everywhere.

"Well done boy" the owner says "Free choice, what do you want?"

I look around and smile when my eyes fall on something brown and furry, dangling from the ceiling.

"The monkey, please."

The owner cuts it loose and hands it to me.

"Here son, have fun."

"Thank you." I turn to Jasper and give him his prize.

"Why the monkey?" He asks while we're walking away from the booth.

"He reminds me of you."

"Reminds you of me? Should I be offended?"

"No. It's just... he looks so happy with his big smile... and he has beautiful grey eyes."

He blushes slightly and then he smiles so widely, the monkey has nothing on him.

"Okay, I think I can live with that."

* * *

_**Thank you for reading. There will be a second part with our boys enjoying the fair**_ ;)


	23. The reason

_**We may never find our reason to shine**_  
_**But here and now this is our time**_  
_**And I may never find the meaning of life**_  
_**But for this moment I am fine**_

* * *

"Alright, now you gonna see how it's done." he drawls, aiming the gun at the little stars he's supposed to hit and God, he looks damn hot.

His face is a mask of pure concentration, his left eye squeezed shut and his lips are pursed as if he's seconds away from a kiss. He looks like a real cowboy and I feel like a schoolgirl, watching him in awe.

He has seven shots and I'm not surprised as every shot is a strike.

He lays the gun on the counter and turns to me, laughing slightly when he sees my dumbstruck expression.

"My papa taught me how to shoot." Is his only explanation and I'm still speechless.

Smirking he turns back to the Lady who owns the booth.

"I'd like to have the Teddy bear over there, please."

"This one?"

"No, the reddish one."

The woman gives him the bear and he hands it to me with a big smile on his face.

"Why this one? Because we have the same hair colour?"

His impish smile turns into a shy one when he answers.

"I never saw a bear with these colours. He's unique – just like you."

"Thank you."

We leave the booth and walk towards our next .amusement. I'm still impressed at his shooting skills, looking over at him I see that he's still smiling at me.

"You surely know how to handle a … gun."

"That I do."

* * *

"Now, how about the Ghost train?"

"Really?"

"Yes, come on, the evening is still young."

We walk over to the booth with the giant "Dark Ride" sign above, both with our prizes in our hands.

A couple is waiting in line before us and he leans over to kiss her on the cheek. And suddenly I feel bad. It's not hard to tell that Jasper obviously wants more from me than just friendship. Of course he agreed to just being friends but that doesn't change how he might feel. I feel bad for asking him this but I don't think I could give him anything else right now, maybe I will never be able to give him more. To let someone into your heart, there has to be space in it.  
And out of nothing a picture of James appears before my eyes and my heart aches. The noises of the people me disappear and I'm left with nothing but the irregular beating of my broken heart. When will this be over? When will I be able to stop thinking of him? When will I be free? Why is it, that after all this time, his face still pops up in my mind, turning my world into this grey and lonely place again in a matter of seconds. How can he still have this power?

I feel like crying, I want to go home and hide under my blanket - well, Jaspers blanket.

_Jasper. _

I take a quick glance at him but he's unaware of my inner turmoil, standing next to me in line to get a wagon for the ride.

This is certainly not the place to fall apart.

I'm not fair to him. And I hate myself for that. I don't want to hurt this lovely creature beside me but I don't see how this could end up any different. But I don't know how to protect him from myself. Maybe one day he will recognize that it's hopeless, that waiting for me is hopeless and he will turn away from me too.

And that thought makes me feel like my heart is being ripped apart.

I don't want him to leave. I want him with me because he make me feel good and because I -  
"Hey, are you coming?"

"Huh?"

I look up and see that Jasper's already standing beside an empty wagon, waiting for me to follow him and get in.

I walk over and climb in as he takes the seat beside me.

"Everything ok?" he asks, concern clear on his face.

"Yeah, sure, I was just …in thoughts."

"If you'd rather go home, we can leave." He offers, using his mind reading skills again but the moment the words leave his mouth I recognize, I don't want to go home. I want to stay here - with him - and have fun. Because suddenly I realize that I'm really really enjoy this evening, I enjoy spending time with him but most of all, for the first time in a long time, I'm enjoying _myself_.

And I know the reason for this all. The reason has the blond curls of an angle, the crooked smile of the devil and is currently sitting right beside me with his big grey eyes glued to my face.

I need to lighten the mood again somehow, bring back the fun we had so far and get rid of this stupid mopey mood that swirls around us. The wagon starts moving and we're driving toward two giant doors which will lead us into the darkness of the ghost train.

He's still watching me, so I turn to him with the most serious expression on my face.

"Jasper, I just want you to know that, no matter what happens, you should know that there's no need to be embarrassed. If you'll get scared in there, just tell me and I'll hold your hand.

He's baffled for a second but then his face shows registration and he's clearly relieved that I obviously feel good enough to tease him..

"Ha, ha, most amusing Mr. Cullen. But I'm not afraid of a pair of ghosts made of plastic and some scary music in the darkness.

"Well, my offer stands if you change your mind." I grin at him and he sticks his tongue out.

I turn back to the face what's coming when I feel his fingers nudging against mine. Surprised I look down, turn my hand palm up and he slides his hand in mine. I look up at him and the last thing I see before the darkness swallows us his the intense grey of his eyes sparkling at me.

"But I'd love to hold you hand nevertheless."

* * *

Most of the time we laugh at the silly decoration that is far from being scary.

"Oh please, Vicky looks way scarier in the morning." Jasper laughs at a witch, flying from the ceiling. His hand is still in mine but most of the time it's for keeping him from falling out of the wagon because he's laughing so hard.

When the ride is over we make another tour around the fair and enjoy few more rides before we decide that it's time to go home. The dark moment I had is quickly forgotten and the rest of the evening was great fun and we laughed a lot. I don't really want this evening to end.  
We're driving mostly in silence with only the soft music from the radio playing.  
I look over at Jasper, his eyes are on the road I wonder what he's thinking about this evening. Did he enjoy it? It sure looked like he did. My gaze falls to the teddy bear in my lap and I smile, remembering his words.

_"It's unique – just like you."_

I once again look over to him, watching his beautiful profile.

_You're the unique one._

"I liked it when you called me Jay." Jasper suddenly breaks the silence. I look over at him but he has his eyes still on the road.

"Do you have a nickname or something?"

"Uhm no, not really. I don't like my name shortened like Ed or Eddie and there's really not much left and nobody ever called me anything else than Edward, so - no, I don't."

"Well, I guess I just have to think of one then."

When we arrive at home – _at home_– we walk straight into the kitchen and Jasper opens two bottles of beer, handing me one.

Again he's strangely and untypically silent but here is nothing to be afraid of so I wonder what's going on inside his gorgeous head.

Taking a sip of his beer he turns around, leaning his long frame against the countertop but doesn't meet my eye. He starts to fiddle with the label, biting his lower lip.

What the hell is going on? What is he-

Oh.

_Oh!_

I place my own beer on the table and lean against the countertop opposite from him. He looks up but only makes it to my collar before his gaze drops again.

I clear my throat and he almost jumps 10 feet, trying to hide his startled squeal behind a fake cough.

"Jasper?"

He coughs again and takes another sip from his bear.

"Jasper, I was asking myself…" I deliberately trail off.

"Huh?"

"You know, this whole evening…."

He clears his throat, his eyes still focused in deep concentration on the label.

"Uhm, yeah? What about it?" He asks when I don't go on.

"I was wondering…. " I can see how he's getting more and more nervous by the second, he must have read the damn label for the tenth time by now but he is obviously willing to do everything to not have to look at me.

"Was this… was this some kind of a date for you?"

This time the coughing is real since he choked on his beer.

_Gotcha._

"Jasper?"

"Uh, what?

"I asked if you saw this evening as a date."

He finally looks up and meets my eyes, even if it's just for a second, before his head bows down again, studying the surface of his kitchen floor.

"Uhm, I... well... " He takes a deep breath and I feel almost guilty enjoying the way he's writhing, trying desperately to answer my question, without answering my question. "I know you only want to be friends and I already told you that I respect that – and I do - and I was seriously about that going to the fair might help to distract you and give you the possibility to have a bit of fun and-"

"Jasper, breathe."

Nodding, he kindly takes a deep breath before he goes on.

"I really love going to the fair and I really hoped that you would enjoy it as well and I hope you _did _enjoy it, I certainly did and ... well, maybe beside all this …I did see it as one, a little bit."

Seriously, he couldn't be any cuter if he tried.

"So... giving the fact that you saw this as a date... do you expect a goodnight kiss then?"

His head snaps up and his eyes are wide as he finally holds my gaze.

"Oh no, no, no, I mean, I'd love to but no. I don't expect anything from you Edward. Really."

"Alright then."I push off the countertop, knowing his eyes are still on me. "Good night, Jasper." I turn towards the door, obviously leaving to go to my room.

As much as he tries, he can't hide his disappointment and I have a hard time to keep my serious expression and not to give in to his heartbroken face.

„Good night Edward, sleep well." he manages a half smile before he turns his attention back to his now empty bottle.

„Oh Jasper, one thing."

„Yes? What is it?"

„This."

I don't give him time to react or even understand, I crash my lips to his and when he gasps I take the opportunity and plunge my tongue into his mouth. It only takes a short moment till he catches up and returns the kiss with equal fervor. I cup his face in my hands and kiss him thoroughly and with as much passion as I have. Our mouths are moving effortlessly together, taking and giving, searching and finding. He tastes of beer and pure Jasper and with a moan I deepen the kiss because I just can't get enough. He whimpers and slides his hands into my hair, tugging softly at the ends. He's a damn good kisser and I almost get lost in his hot mouth and the sweet taste of his lips.

But this time it's my turn to take control.

So as abrupt as I started the kiss I end it and let go of him, make my way through the room and only turn around when I'm at the door.

„Sleep well, Jay." I smile and leave.

* * *

**_No beta, please be kind =)_**


	24. Dear brother

_**I am the damage**_  
_**I am the relief**_  
_**Sometimes I'm people**_  
_**I never hoped that I would be**_

* * *

"He is what?"

"It's not like that."

"Jesus, Jay, what were you thinking or better, _with_what?"

_What's going on? _I just woke up and am on my way to the bathroom when I hear their not so quiet voices coming from the kitchen.

"I said it's not like that and would you please lower your voice, he's still sleeping."

"In your bed I guess."

"No! We're just friends."

"Where did hear that before?"

_Jasper is obviously having another argument with his brother – about me again. I really shouldn't eavesdrop._

"He is not like Mike, so would you please stop it!"

_Ok, maybe just a little._

"How can you be so sure?"

"Well, for one, he tried to kill himself when I first met him."

"How do you know that this wasn't just part of a plan to get to know you?"

"Carlisle, he jumped off that damn bridge, for God's sake. He almost died."

_Alright, I don't know what's going on but that's enough._

"I want to talk to him."

"Most certainly not."

"I said, I want to talk to him."

"And I said that-"

"I presume it's me you'd like to talk to." I interrupt, earning a surprise and sceptical glance from Carlisle and an almost panicked look from Jasper.

"Edward, there's really no need to."

"It's ok Jay, your brother is for some reason concerned about you and if talking with me helps him to clear things I'm more than happy to do so."

"Jay, huh?" Carlisle addresses Jasper, referring to the nickname I used.

Jasper shrugs casually but his lips turn into a thin line.

"Sit down, Edward, please." Carlisle asks me.

I take the seat opposite from him and place my forearms on the table, ready to hear whatever he has to tell me. Jasper takes the seat right beside me, ceaselessly glaring at his brother. Carlisle has his hands folded under his chin and I can not shake the feeling that I am in a interrogation.

"I'll get right to the point, Jay told me that you're a writer."

"That's correct."

"What are you writing?"

"Novels, mostly."

"Mostly... uh huh. What else?"

"Well, right now I'm writing some kind of biography though I'm not sure that's the right expression for it."

"Biography?" He gives Jasper a pointed look that says "I told you so" before turning back to me. When he speaks again his voice lost all it's kindness and is cold and angry.

"About who?"

"Why are you asking me all these questions? What is this about?"

"Would you please answer mine first?"

"Me."

"What?"

"I am writing about me."

"I see…"

"Carlisle I think that's enough now." Jasper speaks up for the first time since this whole thing started.

"I'm not finished yet." Carlisle dismisses him, keeping his eyes firmly on me.

"Did Jay tell you about the last writer he met?"

"Uhm, no." Now I'm really curious where this is heading.

"And that's because there's no reason for that." Jasper interrupts but Carlisle simply goes on.

"Oh, there is a reason. I guess he hasn't told you about Sam either."

"Actually he did tell me about him."

That clearly takes him by surprise. He gives his brother a questioning look but Jasper only keeps glaring at him.

"Oh... well, you already know the backstory then.=

_Backstory?_

"You see, three months after Sam... died, some Mike Newton walked into Jaspers live, out of nowhere – just like you."

I hear Jasper inhaling deeply but he doesn't say anything.

"To make a long story short, this Mike Newton pretended to be Jay's friend – and more, much more, if you get what I mean."

_Oh no._

"He sneaked his way into Jay's live as well as into his bed but what he wanted wasn't Jasper, what he was after was a story. He was a writer and all he wanted was trying to make a buck out of him and his relationship with Sam."

I look at Jasper but he has most of his face hidden behind his coffee cup, staring absentmindedly into the black liquid.

"When we found out about Mikes plans and confronted him, he realized that he wouldn't get anymore out of it he left and Jay never-"

„I think he got the picture now, Carlisle." Jasper suddenly snaps, clearly uncomfortable about the whole conversation.

„I don't get why you are so angry with me, I just want Edward to understand what happened and where I'm coming from. Surely he understands now, why I'm so sceptical when I hear that some "_writer_" wants to be your friend. There's really no reason for you to get this angry with me, every time I dare to mention what happened."

The coffee cup hits the table with a loud bang and the stool scratches sharply over the floor as Jasper suddenly jumps up, braces his hands on the table and looks straight at Carlisle. His face is a mask of pure anger as he shouts.

"Maybe it's because I felt like an idiot when I found out that time and every time you tell that fucking story or mention his fucking name, I feel like an idiot all over again. And I don't know why it's so hard for you to consider, that someone actually wants to be my friend for no other reason than that he likes me. It's bad enough that I have a hard time believing it but it's even worse that you, my dear brother, obviously can't believe it too."

Without saying anything more he stalks out the room and slams the door behind him.

* * *

**_This time I really need you to tell me what you think._ **


	25. What's in the past

_**Let it go,**_  
_**Let it roll right off your shoulder**_  
_**Don't you know**_  
_**The hardest part is over**_  
_**Let it slide,**_  
_**Let your troubles fall behind you**_  
_**Let it shine**_  
_**Until you feel it all around you**_  
_**We'll get by**_  
_**It's the heart that really matters in the end**_

* * *

I stand up, ready to go after him but Carlisle's hand around my wrist stops me.

"Edward, please wait and listen to me."

I sit back down but my mind is with the blond man who's currently suffering all by himself out there.

"Make it quick." I say, still looking at the door, Jasper just left through.

"Edward I...don't get me wrong, I love my brother, dearly. That's why I try to protect him, I don't want him to get hurt like that again. Worst enough that he lost his lover but when he most needed a friend, all he got was betrayal and that really smashed him. He didn't trust anyone for a long time after that. He still doesn't. I hope you understand that I was, well, more than a little alarmed, when I heard that you're a writer too. I just don't want to have to see my brother like this ever again"

The expression on his face is desperate, pleading for me to understand. And I do. I just think that he underestimates his brother.

"I do understand Carlisle and I'm glad that he has someone who is so concerned about him and takes care of him. But you can't make his decisions for him, he is old enough to be trusted to make his own decisions. I'm sure he knows to be careful and how protect himself. You should show him that you believe that too, that you're there for him but that you also believe that he can take care of himself. He knows that you're worried about him but he doesn't always need to hear it. He's a grown man and not a child. I think more than everything, he needs someone who believes in him."

He doesn't say anything and just looks at me with an unreadable expressing, so I go on.

"You can believe me or not but I tell you now, I'm not interested in Jasper in any other kind than being his friend. I'm not after a story or money or whatever. _I _am not a fraud. I like your brother, he's a sweet and kind man and he deserves to be happy and loved and cared for. And if you excuse me now, I'd like to go and see if he's ok."

I stand up and walk to the door when Carlisle voice stops me again.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"I guess I did you wrong. It looks like you really care for my brother and if he believes that he can trust you, I should too, so please accept my apology."

"Accepted. Thank you, Carlisle."

"Please tell Jasper that …that I'll call him later."

"I will, see you, Carlisle."

"See you, Edward."

I walk outside through the back door with no idea where to look for Jasper. Walking around the house I see Carlisle's car driving off but no trace of Jasper. I'm sure I heard the back door when he left but maybe he came back.

I go back into the house and look in every room but he's nowhere to be found. An idea pops into my head, so I go outside again and take the little path that leads to the bench where we were yesterday. When it comes in sight I see him, he's sitting with his legs pressed to his chest and his arms crossed over his knees, a cigarette in his hand.

"Jasper?"

He turns his head to me and drops his legs, stretching them in front of him.

"May I ?" I ask, pointing at the bench.

"Sure."

"I didn't know you smoke."

"Only on special occasions and family meetings." he chuckles darkly, taking another drag before throwing the rest away.

He turns to me, placing his arm over the back of the bench.

"I'm sorry you had to witness that – again. It's just that sometimes, my brother and I... I don't know."

He roughly rubs his face before he continues.

"Edward I want you to know that I never, not for one second, thought that you would fool me, that you're the same as Mike. Even when you told me that you're a writer, I never thought that you're just after a story. You have to believe me, no matter what my brother says, I don't think like him."

The look of panic is back on his face and he's talking faster and faster. I can hear his desperation in every word, and I want nothing more than to remove it. I take his hand and squeeze it, successfully stopping his stream of words.

"Jasper, calm down please. I know. I know you don't think of me like that. I believe you. I could never do something like this, I could never hurt you or lie to you and I'm sorry that someone took advantage of you and betrayed you when all you needed was a friend."

The panic slowly disappears from his face as he now looks hopefully at me with those stormy grey eyes.

"I just... I hate it when he brings up that fucking bastard and my mistakes over and over again. When I found out about Mike and he laughed in my face, telling me that a story was all he ever wanted from me but that the fucking was a nice bonus… God, I felt so stupid and weak and empty… I though no one would ever want me just for myself. Whenever someone showed only the slightest bit of interest in me, I instantly thought that he was a fraud too. I felt so dispensable and unlovable and every time, _every _time my brother mentions this whole fuckery, I feel the same all over again and I …God damned, I just want to forget about it. It's in the past and that's where it should stay."

"Jay, first of all, you're not stupid and you didn't make any mistake. You needed a friend and he pretended to be one, you trusted him and why not, you didn't see a reason not to trust him. Who would have? That he lied and took advantage of you is not your fault - that could have happen to everybody. I understand that you're angry and hurt but Jasper, you are such a smart and strong man, you're nice and funny and kind, there's really no need to feel dispensable and unlovable - because you're not."

For the first time this morning his face shows a trace of his natural happiness and a small smile appears.

"Thank you."

I squeeze his hand in return and lean back against the bench as Jasper does the same. For a while we're sitting in silence, looking over the river and enjoying the beautiful nature surrounding us, our hands still entwined.

"Carlisle said he'll call you later."

"Well, if that isn't good news." He sighs.

"I think he wants to apologise."

"That would be a first. But let's talk about something else. I'm hungry, how about breakfast?"

"Best idea of the morning." I laugh and we both stand up. Letting go of my hand he collects the cigarette box that lay beside him on the bench.

"Oh, Jay, before I forget... " He turns to me while we're walking back to the house. "I had a wonderful time last night and a lot of fun and I'd like to thank you for forcing me to come with you to the fair."

He laughs and finally his gorgeous dimples are back too.

"You're very welcome. I had a great time too – well, apart form the puking and embarrassing myself in front of you." He laughs as we keep on walking.

"Oh and before _I_forget, when we're back and our stomachs are filled... maybe you'd like to explain that kiss."

_Ungh._

* * *

_**Yes, Edward, how about explaining that? (And how about a repeat?) =P**_

**What do you think about Edward's and Carlisle's conversation? Was it ok? I think Edward said everything there was to say.**

**Thank you for reading.  
**

_**Song at the beginning is "Little Wonders" from Rob Thomas**_


	26. Emmett

_**We may never find our reason to shine**_  
_**But here and now this is our time**_  
_**And I may never find the meaning of life**_  
_**But for this moment I am fine**_

* * *

"That was Carlisle, he asked if I still come over to help him with Esme's car."

Jasper tells me as he comes back to the kitchen. We're just finished with our breakfast and were washing the few dishes when his phone rang.

"So I'm going over now. Do you want to come with me?"

I place the last plate in the cupboard and turn to him.

"Uhm, no, thank you, I rather stay here and keep on writing."

"How's the writing going?"

"Actually a lot better than I thought. Though some parts are hard to write about it actually helps me seeing things clearer and from a more distant point of view. I don't know, it's hard to explain but when I write it's like.. it's not me I'm writing about, it's someone else, like, just another main character in a story… it's less painful, you know?"

"That's good. Alright, so you keep on writing and I'll go and have a heart to heart with my dear brother."

"I'm sure you'll be fine, Jay. He surely wants to apologize."

"Yeah, whatever. See you later, Edward."

"Till then, Jay."

He takes his coat and is almost out the door when his head appears again.

"You know you call me anytime, right?"

"I know and don't worry about me, I'll be fine." I assure him.

"Yes?"

"Yes."

"Oh, by the way, I was just wondering, isn't there anyone who's missing you? Don't you need to call some people, to let them know where you are and that you're ok?"

_Oh fuck... Emmett._

„Shitt, you're right. I completely forgot about that. I bet Emmett is already freaking out."

„Emmett?"

„Yeah, he's my publisher and a good friend. Well, actually he's my only friend."

„He was."

„Right, _was_ my _only_friend." I smile at him. I like the way his brain works.

He leaves and I run for my room to get my phone.

How could I forget about him?

I grab my cell that's been lying abandoned at the bottom of my backpack for days and of course - the batteries are dead so. Great, now I have to charge them first, before Emmett will be able to bite my head off right through the phone.

Half an hour later I'm sitting on the sofa, scrolling through messages and missed phone calls – they're all from Emmett and they all say basically the same - I should call back immediately or he'll kill me as soon as he found me and assured that I'm fine. Yep, that's Emmett.

I dial his number and prepare myself for the outburst that's sure to come.

„WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU ANSWERING YOUR FUCKING PHONE?"

Now there's a lot of fuck going on. Alright, I already knew that he would be a little upset.

„Hello Em, listen I'm..."

„No, you listen. Are you ok?"

„Uhm, yes..."

„Good, BECAUSE IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN I'LL GLUE YOUR PHONE TO YOUR DICK TO MAKE SURE YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE IT AT HAND."

_Nope, he's not kidding._

„Emmett, please, let me explain."

„You better."

„I'm ... uh..." ok, that's going to be more difficult than I thought. I can't really tell him how I ended up here, at least I don't want to – not now and not over the phone anyway.

„Waiting here, Eddie boy."

„I'm at a friends house."

„What friend?"

That would have hurt if it wouldn't have come from Emmett. He knows very well that he's my only friend.

„He's … I actually just met him."

„Aha. And you're already disappeared from the world to stay at his house. Care to explain?"

„Well we're both kind of... need someone - a friend - and we kind of...clicked, I guess."

„So basically, you're fucking your brains out."

„No! We're only friends Emmett" I'm starting to wonder why I have to explain this all the time and – if it's still true anyway. _Do I even still want it to be true?_

„Oh, so he's straight?"

„No."

„I don't get it."

„Jesus, Emmett, just because two guys are gay doesn't mean that they automatically end up in bed together."

„Yeah, whatever. Is he good looking?"

I sight, I know exactly where this is leading.

„Yes."

„Is he single?"

„Yes."

„Ha, so it's only a matter of time."

„Emmett!"

„Remember my words. So when will you come back?"

„I don't know yet. I actually started writing again."

„Really? That's great."

„Yeah, the change of scenery and the quiet here… it helps my to clear my head."

„That's really good to hear Edward. I'm happy for you. Let me know if there's anything you need and please, don't drop off the world again, call me from time to time, ok?"

"I promise, Em, cya."

„Bye Edward… and remember – use a condom."

With that he's gone.

* * *

_**Yezz, there will be another update today. **__***wink wink***_


	27. Wandering mind

_**Hold on to me**_

_**Never leave**_

_**Forever be what you mean to me right now**_

* * *

It's raining. Actually it looks like the world is about to end. The sky is dark and grey and the clouds are angry and eerie. It's pouring for hours now but it doesn't look like this would change anytime soon.

Jasper's been gone for a little over three hours now and I've been writing since my conversation with Emmett. I knew he wouldn't be able to let it go, he had to tease me like he always does.

_… use a condom._

I don't know how these three words are able to send butterflies flying wildly through my stomach. Maybe it's the idea of actually using one again, after all this time. More so, using it with Jasper, slowly rolling it down his -

I have to stop that! I can already feel myself getting hard.

But the idea and the mental pictures which are coming with Emmett words won't go away and so it doesn't take long till I'm fully hard, picturing Jasper naked between my spread legs, a bottle of lube in one hand, leaning over me and carefully pushing his slick fingers in-

_Beeeeeeeeeeep_

My phone speaks up, rudely interrupting my wandering mind from going any further. I grab it and see that I got a text message. It's from Jasper. I moan at reading his name, still aroused from my daydreaming.

_Hey Edward, it's gonna take another hour before I'm home. Hope you're not too bored. We'll figure out what to eat when I get back. -Jay._

Hmm, one more hour. I could make something to eat. He took care of our meals so far, it's my turn now. I walk into his kitchen to see what I could cook. After rummaging through his cupboards and the fridge for a while, I finally found everything to make what I'm known of to do best:

Lasagna.

* * *

„Something smells delicious" A dirty but nonetheless fuckhot looking Jasper greets me. His blue shirt and his low hanging jeans are over and over sprinkled with drops of oil, he even got a bit on his left cheek. He's barefoot and despite the dirt I'm sure he couldn't look any sexier. Remembering my little daydream form before, I blush and have to clear my throat before I'm able to greet him back. He smirks at me, definitely recognizing my not so subtle eyefucking.

"Hi Jay. I thought it's my turn to fill our stomachs for a change. I hope you like lasagna."

His smirk turns into a full dimpled smile and the little school girl inside me sighs in awe.

"Love it. I'll just take a quick shower and be right back."

When he's gone I open the fridge and press my forehead against a bottle of soda, trying to regain my composure and cool down my heated mind.

Few minutes later I can hear the shower starting and my wandering mind is off to forbidden places before I can stop it, picturing Jasper in the shower with the water running down his perfect body.

And I'm hard again.

_Damned._

I'm thinking about pressing the soda bottle against my dick too but decide otherwise. I need to distract myself.

I set the table, take the lasagna from the oven and the salad from the fridge. I get us both a beer and when everything is finished my dick has gratefully turned soft again. Let's hope it'll stay that way… for now anyway.

It doesn't take long until Jasper's back, wearing a clean pair of faded blue jeans and a white t-shirt. His golden curls are a few shades darker from the water and I can smell the shampoo and shower gel he used. He's barefoot again and now I really have a hard time to keep my mind in check. He looks delicious.

"That looks delicious."

"Yes, it does."

He raises an eyebrow in question and I realize, I said that out loud. Great.

He smirks that fucking crooked smirk and I feel the heat once again rising to my cheeks.

"I mean, I'm starving, let's eat."

_Yeah, that didn't even sound believable to my own ears. _

While we're eating I tell him about my conversation with Emmett – though I of course leave out the part about the condom – and he laughs, telling me he has to meet him one day.  
Jasper tells me about his brother and that he had a really good talk with him. He understands now why Carlisle is behaving the way he does and Carlisle understands why his actions are so annoying for Jasper. They both agreed to tell each other when there's something bothering them and Carlisle promised not to mention Mike and the whole story ever again - at least, he will try.

"That sounds really good." I say when we're both finished with eating.

"Yes, we should have had this talk a long time ago. Thank you, Edward."

"Why do you thank me?"

"Because it was you who made Carlisle realize, that the way he was acting didn't help me and that he has to trust me to be able to make my own choices."

I don't know what to say to that so I just smile at him and he nods in return.

"What do you wanna do now? It looks like shit out there and going outside is not really appealing to me. Wanna write some more?"

"No, I think I wrote enough for today. You're right about going out though, it's the perfect couch weather if you ask me."

"It is, wanna watch a movie then?"

"I'm in. Your time to choose something."

"Alright but no complaining about what I choose."

"Oookayyy…."

I lie down on the couch and get comfy on _my side_while Jasper is standing with his back to me in front of the shelf with his dvd collection. My gaze wanders to his ass and I can't help but notice how perfect it looks in those jeans.

Eatable.

I can't take my eyes off of it. I lick my lips and imagine grabbing his ass and pressing him to me, earning me one of these delicious moans he made, while eating the lasagna. I want to hold it and squeeze it and-

"Gotcha."

"What?" My heart is beating wildly and I quickly raise my eyes, sure that he catched me eyefucking him yet again.

But he's still with his back to be, putting the dvd he was looking for in the player before he comes over to the couch and lays down at the other end.

He starts the dvd and the minute the music begins I know what it is.

I look at him questioningly but he raises his hand before I can say something.

"No complaining."

"I'm not, I'm just surprised that you chose this one – it's a chicks film."

"It's not and I like it." He huffs and crosses his arms over his chest.

I chuckle. But he's right, it's not a chicks film and I actually love it.

"I like it too." I say and he looks at me, a little smile appearing on his gorgeous face and in this moment I make a decision, I probably, unconsciously, already made the very second I saw him.

"What?" He asks irritated as I just keep on staring at him.

"I changed my mind."

"'Bout what? Do you wanna go and write some more? It's no problem if you prefer writing now, I can watch it alone. Or if it's about the movie, we can watch something else." He tries to be casual but his face clearly shows his disappointment.

"No, that's not what I meant."

"Then what?"

"I've been thinking – a lot - and… you being my friend... well, I feel like it's not enough."

"Not... enough..."

"No."

"I don't … I … what do you mean?"

I take a deep breath, well knowing that my next words will change everything.

"I want more... from you, _with _you. I… I want you."

He just sits there, looking at me with those huge, grey eyes. He doesn't even blink but his mind is racing, I can tell it from the way his brows furrow and relax and his eyes squinting only to go wide again.

"You want me?" He asks slowly.

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes."

I'm worried that he huge smile that slowly appears, will split his face in two, as he sits up and turns his body completely to me.

"You mean, wanting me as in me being your boyfriend, right?"

I chuckle at his eager, yet unsure expression.

"Yes, that's what I mean."

"Like, you and me being together?"

"Yes, that's what it usually means."

He bites his lower lip and takes a few minutes for another inner conversation before he speaks again.

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

And then the dimples are coming out full force and an almost predatory look appears in his eyes as he starts moving from his side of the couch to mine, slowly crawling up my legs, never taking his eyes off me.

"Soooo, does that mean … I can hug you?"

"Yes."

He slowly gets closer and the way he looks at me goes straight to my dick.

"Does that mean I can cuddle with you?"

"Yes." I want to laugh but his low, silky voice is turning me on so much, I'm out of breath already. He crawls up the rest until he's hovering right above me, his hands on each side of my face and his knees beside my thighs.

"Can I touch you?"

"Yes." I breathe, unable to to give my voice any sound more than a husky whisper.

He lowers himself and I can feel his breath washing over my face.

"And … kiss you?"

_Please._

"Yes."

He places his warm body between mine and the back of the sofa, lying with his upper body half on top of me. His intense stare is driving me mad. He's so close and yet not close enough.

"Are you absolutely sure? Not long ago you said, you only want a friend and that you-"

"Jasper! "

"Yes?"

"Could you please forget everything I said and kiss me already?"

_**Don't be too mad, I will update veeery soon ;)**_  
_**Song at the beginning is "My my my" from Rob Thomas**_


	28. I want you

_**Sorry for the lack of update - it's been a busy week =(  
**_

* * *

_**Without a soul my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold**_  
_**until you find it there and lead it back home**_

* * *

Like a predator after its prey he is hovering above me, his face only inches away from mine. I can already taste him on my tongue as he is breathing heavily against my mouth. He doesn't move, only giving me his piercing stare again

But I can't wait any longer, I need to really taste him. I lift my head and crash my lips to his and he instantly responds. Cradling his face in my hands I take him with me as I lay my head back down.

He lets out a moan and I slip my tongue inside his mouth, seeking his sweet taste. Our tongues moving against each other in a perfect rhythm.

The kiss is slow and sensual and incredibly erotic and I'm enjoying the feel of his tongue brushing mine.  
The little noises he's making are driving me crazy. I let my hand wander from his face down his shoulder to his lower back and run my fingers over the sliver of exposed skin between his shirt and his jeans.

I feel him harden against my tight and as I move my leg he moans as it rubs against him. I'm hard too, unbearable hard already and I need more.

I grip him under his armpits and drag him between my legs. We both moan when our groins meet and his arousal presses hard into mine.

He bucks against me and I growl, wrapping my arms tightly around him.

"I want to feel your skin." He whispers roughly between kisses. "Can I?" He leans back, just enough to look into my eyes, his cheeks are flushed and his lips are swollen – he's plain gorgeous.

I just nod and he slides his hands under my shirt, dragging it up my body and finally off me. I tug on the hem of his shirt and he gets rid of that too. I look at his bare chest for a moment and the view lets my mouth go dry and drool with anticipation all at once.

Fucking beautiful.

He seems to be equally thrilled because he's looking at me with a dazed expression, absent mindedly biting his lower lip.

Suddenly he moves forward and crashes his lips to mine in a feverish kiss that shows nothing of the laziness it held just a minute ago.

The skin on his chest is hot and soft and it feels incredible sliding against my own. My hands ran down his bare back, feeling every muscle and every curve of his amazing body. Once again I let my fingernails graze over his heated skin and he arches his back, my breath hitches when the movement causes his groin to press harder into me. He whimpers and starts rolling his hips against mine, creating an amazing friction of our hard cocks rubbing together.

The zipper starts hurting against my already aching member but the friction just feels so good – I'm in heaven and hell and I never felt better.

He shoves his left knee under my thigh and I wrap my right leg around his waist.

I don't know what's driving me more crazy, his hot kisses or his wandering hands. He seems to be everywhere, constantly moving, touching, caressing and kissing. He nips down my neck and sucks slightly on the soft skin beneath my ear. I slide my hands to his ass and start kneading it through his jeans, feeling his muscles contract with the slow rhythm of his hips.

His hand glides over my stomach and slides under the waistband of my boxers, his fingers grazing over the head of my aching cock.

And I tense.

He looks up at me, his eyes dark and full of lust, pleasure etched all over his face. His breathing is short and he swallows two times before he speaks.

"Is this too far? Do you want me to stop?"

_Do I want him to stop?_

* * *

_What?_

I take a moment too long to be able to make sense of his words, through the misty haze I'm in.

"It's ok, don't worry, just give me a second." He pants and leans back on his heels.

What? NO.

"No." I sit up and reach for him. "I don't want you to stop – ever."

He chuckles before his lips are on mine and I find myself on my back again.

"Thank God." He breathes, kissing his way from my neck down to my belly. I bury my fingers in his curls as he reaches for the zipper of my jeans, slowly lowering it while placing kisses on my hips.

He hooks his thumbs under the waistband of my boxers and in no time I lie naked before him, my skin flushing from the heat of his stare.

"You're gorgeous." He whispers.

His words are all I need to reach for the buttons of his jeans. He gets up beside the sofa so he can get rid of it and when he's equally naked as I am he slowly crawls back, hovering over me once again.

"Tell me I'm not dreaming. Tell me you want this." His hands are ghosting over my abs.  
"I don't want you to have regrets in the morning. I don't want you to ever regret anything with me."

I wrap my hand around his neck, bringing our faces together until we're only inches apart.

"I want you."

* * *

**_Yes, yes, don't hate me, there will be another update today..._**

**_I found out, it's not really easy to write stuff like this ... hope you won't be too dissapointed, I try to give my best. But it's much more fun reading it than writing it ;)  
_**

**_If you have any suggestions or wishes - tell me.  
_**


	29. Wonderland

_**Wake me up inside**_  
_**call my name and save me from the dark**_

* * *

He dips his head and kisses me while his fingertips are ghosting over my skin, leaving a trail of goose bumps in their way. He is painting invisible pattern on my lower stomach and hips but avoids the place where I want him to touch me the most. Where I _need_him to touch me.

He is playing with me and I never want him to stop and still want more at the same time.

I reach out to touch his dick but he pats my hand away.

"Tsk, tsk, patience, babe." He smirks and goes on with his sweet torture.

_Patience? Where the hell should I get that from?_

When he finally reaches my throbbing cock, he only lets his fingertips ghost softly over the full length, circling the tip a few times before slowly wandering back to the base again.  
I feel his breath on my burning flesh as his fingers whisper over the vein at the underside of my aching member. He spreads the precum that gathered at the top and glides back down with a loose fist.

_I'm dying._

While his fingers tease me till I'm on the verge of loosing my mind, his mouth wanders up the middle of my upper body, his tongue leaving a wet trail. Without warning he closes his lips around a nipple and I almost throw us both off the sofa as I arch my back in surprise.

Heat flashes through me and I throw my head back, whining and babbling, asking him to have mercy but he just continues his tantalization.

Eventually these light touches are driving me crazy, I put my hand over his and press down hard, while simultaneously bucking up into his hand. I hear him chuckle and feel him smile against the skin of my chest.

He gives my nipple one last lick before he – finally, thankfully - has mercy and lowers himself on top of me.

"Oh fuck." He groans and hides his face in the crook of my neck as our cocks meet for the first time without any barrier between them. I turn my face to him and kiss his temple, wrapping my arms back around his hot body and just enjoy the feeling of his weight on me.

He slowly starts rocking his hips against mine and the feeling of our bare cocks rubbing against each other feels amazing, incredible and beyond any words. I feel myself drifting into an untroubled world of pleasure and happiness and...Jasper.  
I smile against his mouth before I kiss his soft lips again. We move our hips together in a perfect rhythm and I dig my fingernails into the soft skin covering his muscular, hard body.

Wrapping my legs around his waist I try to get him closer somehow, even though it already feels like he is covering every inch of my body. His skin smells so good and I inhale deeply between short breaths.

_Heaven._

I place one hand on his ass, pressing him harder into me, while my other hand wipes some stray curls out of his face.

He smiles at me. "You feel so good…. So good." His heavy breaths wash over my face as his forehead leans against mine.

Our gazes lock and for a short moment I see something sparkling in his eyes, something I haven't seen in years - maybe never.

He leans in for another kiss and my tongue pushes and swirls with his and I'm kissing him with a desire and happiness I didn't know I have still in me.

I can feel myself getting close in a mind dazzling speed and I don't want it to be over so soon but I know I can't take much more. My movements are becoming frantic and I lack of rhythm - I won't last long.

"Jasper I… oh God, please... I won't …. I will..."

"Don't worry, I take care of you." his breathing is irregular. He slides his arms under me, tugging his hands over my shoulders to be able to thrust harder.

"Just let go babe." He pants, his eyes stormy from lust.

Seeing him looking at me like that brings me even closer to edge and I thrust up hard into him again, catching his moan with my lips.

He circles his hips and I break away from his mouth cause I just can't hold off any longer.

"I'm … gonna... onna gcum."

"Yes, that's it babe, come for me."

And I do.

I press him hard against me and then I lose it.

My back arches and my body lifts up into him as I moan almost embarrassingly loud. I think I say his name but I'm not sure, I'm flying through my own private wonderland of pure pleasure, where nothing exists beside Jasper and me.

I hear his heavy breaths and then he calls my name and groans above me , until finally he stiffens and buries his face in my neck, muffling his cries while his body is shuddering on top of mine.

Our cocks are sliding slickly against each other and it's almost too much. The orgasm seems to last forever and when it's over it leaves me spend and weak.

_And happy. _

Jasper is collapsed on top of me, his mouth still against my neck and he is panting as if he just ran a marathon.

Not carrying about the sticky mess between us, I run my hand through his silky curls and cup his cheek with my other hand, kissing the top if his head before gently scratching along his neck into his hair.

He purrs satisfied and I chuckle.

When my heartbeat somewhat calmed down and I'm able to breathe normally again I sigh.

„That was..." I find I'm still too weak for conversation, even too weak to end the sentence properly.

„Yes, it totally was." he agrees anyway.

I keep on scratching the back of his head and he cuddles deeper into me.

„How long?" he asks after a while.

"What do you mean?"

„How long has it been... since the last time I mean."

_Oh, that. Hmm._

„I don't know, I don't remember."

„Oh, baby." He nuzzles his nose along my my cheek and places a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth.

Smiling I cup his face with both hands.

„I'm sure as hell gonna remember this."

* * *

_**Soooooo, tell me, I can take it LOL Seriously, you know how much I love reviews. **_  
_**Is there anything you want the boy to do next – besides the obvious? ;)**_


	30. Back to the start

_**Sweet dreams are made of this**_  
_**who am I to disagree **_

* * *

"You were right, I should have never brought him here."

"You should have never let him _stay _here."

_What?_

"I know. I don't know why I wouldn't listen to you, you were right all the time. How do I get rid of him now?"

I bolt up from the couch, incredulously listening to the conversation that's been going on. It's Carlisle and Jay talking – about me.

"Well, it's your house, just throw him out."

_Throw me out? But… I thought he liked me. What are they talking about? I don't understand. What happened that he changed his mind about me? Doesn't he like me anymore? Did I do something wrong. Is this about this afternoon and what we did?_

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm gonna do and the sooner the better. I can't stand to see his whiney face any longer."

_Oh please, no._

"You could just say it as it is – that he is a loser and that you don't want to have anything to do with him anymore."

"He is, totally."

_How can he say that?_

I can feel my heart breaking at their words. How could I be so wrong about Jay? How can he be so cruel and say such horrible things?

I get up from the couch and rush towards the dark room, where their voices are coming from. I can see them, standing at the far end of the room, Carlisle with his back to me and Jasper working on his photos.

"I told you before, you should have never dragged him out of that stinking water, he isn't worth it."

_The fuck?_

"I know, I know. But what's done is done and now I'm stuck with that miserable nutcase."

"How can you say that, I thought you liked me?" I finally speak up and Jasper turns to me, not in the slightest surprised or ashamed, that I caught him.

"Since you already know, I think it's the best that you go home, Edward."

"But... what happened? I don't understand."

"Let me put it another way – I don't like you and I don't want you to stay here any longer. James was right to leave you, you're no good to anyone."

And with that Carlisle turns around, only - he isn't Carlisle, it's James.

"James." I whisper, feeling like the rug has been pulled out under me.

"Eddie, hey. Long time no see."

"What are you doing here?" My voice is so raw, I barely recognise it as my own.

"What do you mean, what I'm doing here? I'm with Jay, he's my new boyfriend."

"What? No. No, that can't be, he's my boyfriend."

He laughs a sarcastic laugh and Jasper wraps his arm possessively around James' waist, pressing a kiss to his cheek. I feel bile rising up my throat while I watch my past and my supposed future melting together into a horrible present.

"Since when?" I ask, though it's not really important, isn't it?

"Oh Ed, a long, long time. We are together since months, don't you know?"

"No, I…I didn't... You said… you… I thought." Looking at Jasper I'm not able to speak a complete sentence.

_My beautiful angel. This can't be, please God, don't let this happen._

"You should leave now, Edward." Jasper says and wraps his arms tightly around James' neck.

"Yes, as you can see, we're busy here." James answers and crashes his lips to Jaspers."

I turn around and run out the door into the cold night air. I can hardly see anything through the tears which are streaming down my face.

_This can't be true. How could he do this? Why can't he like me? What am I gonna do now?_

I run and run till I'm out of breath and when I stop I see it. Right in front of me, like a giant stony sign - the bridge.

And I know what to do.

On trembling legs I walk towards it, dragging my weary bones to the same spot I stood just a few weeks before.

_This is where I belong. _

I cry harder, thinking of everything I thought I had but was never really mine. First James, then Jasper.

_Jasper._

I was falling for you but you aren't there to catch me anymore.

I look down into the black water, taking a last deep breath

and jump

* * *

_**Before you start to tell me how much you all hate me - there will be another chapter very soon, maybe even today. **__**=)**_

_**But I'd still love to hear what you think about it.  
**_


	31. Nightmare continues

_**Now I  
I wish it would rain down,  
down on me**_  
_**Yes I wish it would rain  
rain down on me now **_

* * *

"Edward. Edward!"

"No."

"Edward!"

"Go away, you don't want me."

"Edward what the fuck?"

"How could you do this to me?"

"You're scaring me, darlin' please…"

"I thought you liked me."

"Edward wake up, please."

_Wake up? What?_

I'm freezing.

_Why is it so cold?_

And then I can feel warm arms sliding around me, holding me tightly pressed against a warm body and I want to snuggle further into it.

"Edward, baby, wake up."

I open my eyes and find two extremely worried grey eyes looking intently at me. I blink a few times, my eyes wandering around, slowly taking in the surroundings.

_Why are we outside? Why am I half lying on the ground? God, it's too cold to be outside._

I look back at Jasper and then I remember.

_Right, I was running away from him because-_

"Where's James?"

His face falls as I say the name but he is fast in covering the sadness in his eyes.

"Edward, James is not here. It's…" He clears his throat before he goes on "it's only me."

_I don't understand._

"What…?"

"Darlin' you were sleepwalking and you scared the shit out of me when I found you gone and the back door open. Thank God you didn't go far and I found you fast enough. When I reached you, you fell to the ground, tossing and turning and crying. I was so scared because you wouldn't wake up."

"So it was just a dream?"

"I think you had a nightmare, yes."

"And you… you don't want me to leave? You still like me.. and want me to stay?"

"What? Of course I still like you darlin', why wouldn't I? And I definitely want you to stay - if that is still what you want." He sits up, releasing me from his arms and I miss his closeness and warmth immediately.

"And James was never here." It's more a statement than a question.

"No, d... Edward, he wasn't. Are you ok?"

"I.. I'm sorry. It was just a really bad nightmare."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Can we go back inside first? I'm freezing."

"Oh shitt, sure, come one, let's get up."

He reaches out his hand and helps me up but when we walk back he doesn't touch me at all and I'm starting to feel uneasy, the remains of the dream still fresh in my mind.

When we're back inside, he makes us both a cup of hot tea and we sit down on the sofa and again – he leaves an uncomfortable space between us.

"What did you dream about, tell me." he finally asks, his voice soft but his face unreadable.

"I dreamed that I woke up and heard you and Carlisle talking about me – you said you wanted me to leave and that you didn't like me and then James was suddenly there and… and he was your boyfriend and I… he said I should go now and he… he kissed you and you both laughed and I…. I ran away."

"So you were sad because I was James' boyfriend and he kissed _me_?"

"Yes."

"I see." His face once again falls and the bad feeling in my stomach increases. He takes a sip from his tea and doesn't say anything for a long while

I'm getting nervous, wishing I wouldn't have told him my dream, desperately wishing I could turn back the time and let the last 30 minutes never happen. But it's too late and when Jasper turns to me again, his face is sad but his eyes are empty. The storm that's always going on in them seems to have disappeared and left nothing but empty silence.

And I'm scared.

"Edward, maybe…maybe staying here really wasn't such a great idea."

* * *

**_Thanks to unicorn55 for giving me the idea =)_**


	32. Don't you know

_**Forever trusting who we are**_  
_**And nothing else matters**_

* * *

_What?_

"What do you mean?"

"Edward, I-"

"No. No, wait. Not twenty minutes ago you said that you wanted me to stay."

"I know what I said but..."

"Then I don't understand what changed your mind so suddenly."

He sighs deeply, looking everywhere but at me. Wiping his face he finally turns his head in my direction but his eyes refuse to meet mine.

"James."

I can feel my heartbeat speeding up to an uncomfortable rate at this one word.

_What does he mean? Is my nightmare finally coming true? Please no._

I feel tears filling my eyes, threatening to spill over. I'm not able to say something because my mind is still in shock but fortunately – or unfortunately – I don't have to.

"You said you were sad because he kissed me."

_I still don't get it._

"Jasper, I don't-"

"Me, he kissed _me_and not you. Edward, I like you, really like you, more than I probably should by now. Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to leave forever and us not seeing each other anymore. I still want to be with you but… maybe you need to clear your head first. You need to be free to be able to let someone else in your heart again and it wouldn't be fair to neither you nor me if we just go on like everything is ok. I know it takes some time to get over a lost love and be able to carry one and I never expected you to forget about James the minute you saw me, I just…. You still love him and I understand that, I really do Edward. But I'm in too deep already and … I guess I'm scared... and I don't want to get hurt."

He rests his elbows on his knees and places his head in his hands.

I take a deep breath, contemplating everything he just told me, trying to get some order into the chaos in my mind.

"Jay." I wait till he's looking at me before I go on. "I wasn't sad because James kissed you instead of me in this stupid dream. I was sad because you kissed _him_ instead of _me_. It was about you, not him. I didn't even spend a second thought about James. No, it was you – the thought of losing _you_that made me cry and run away."

He looks at me with a mixture of doubt and surprise.

"When James wrapped his arms around you, I didn't want to be in _his_ arms instead, I wanted it to be me, who held you in his arms. I couldn't stand the idea of someone else holding you, I couldn't stand losing you. I ... I didn't care about James. I didn't want to lose _you_, Jay, I…".

The tears are finally spilling over, running uncontrollably down my face and I'm unable to say anything more. I'm so scared of losing him, of my dream coming true, I can barely breathe and the weight on my chest is almost unbearable. .

Until his arms weave their way around me, tugging me to him until my chest is pressed against his and his forehead is resting against mine. I tentatively wrap my arms around his waist, my heart still beating frantically against my ribs.

"Is that true?" he asks quietly, while his hands cradle my face.

I just nod, still not trusting my voice.

He closes his eyes and exhales with a loud sigh.

"I'm sorry Edward, I'm such an idiot. Please forgive me." His hands slide down, resting on my shoulders. "But I thought...when you woke up, you asked for him and I … I just felt so… unimportant.

"Oh Jay…." The word leaves my mouth in a breathless whisper and I put my finger under his chin, raising his head till he is looking at me.

"Don't you know how important you are to me?"

His eyes are locked onto mine for long moments, searching - and finding and then his smile is wide and dimpled "You are important to me too, darlin'. So much."

"Does that mean, I can stay?"

"As long as you want."

And then his lips capture mine in a soft but searing kiss.

* * *

**_Hope you liked it._ **


	33. Just lay back

_**Without words I use my tongue to tell the tale of us**_  
_**Tracing your shadowscape**_  
_**Kneeling before you my eyes feast upon your masculinity and**_  
_**All its divinity and I praise you**_  
_**Because all of that is for me**_

* * *

"Just lay back, darlin' and let me make you cum."

This sentence is already enough to make me come undone as Jasper grabs my wrists and drags them high over my head, making me lay back on his bed till he is hovering above me.

I'm completely naked and the fact that he's still wearing his boxers and his green stripe button up makes me feel exposed and dominated and turned on beyond words.

"Keep 'em there." He whispers huskily in my ear, squeezing my hands before he leans down to kiss me.

His smooth lips moving in perfect sync with mine, his tongue probing and exploring my mouth in a lazy and extremely erotic kiss. I grab the pillow and I'm sure my knuckles turn white from the effort it takes me to keep my hands off him.

He tastes so good, I can't get enough of him, I lift my head to deepen the kiss and he sighs quietly, running his fingers through my hair, scraping my scalp with his blunt nails.

_I could purr from pure pleasure._

He breaks the kiss much too soon for my liking and starts nibbling along my jaw towards my ear, nudging my head to the side with his nose to get better access to my neck. l shiver as his tongue licks along my skin, my breaths are coming in short, fast pants. And he only just started.

My dick is painfully hard and I think I'm gonna die if he goes on like this. I need some friction but he keeps his body off of me, only touching me with his mouth.

His lips travel across my chest, teasing my nipples on their way down to where I need them the most. The muscles in my lower stomach contract as his tongue licks over them, making me squirm and whimper with need. He bites gently into the soft skin above my hipbone and I cry out in pleasure.

I hear him chuckle lightly but I don't have the strength to say something, it's already hard enough to fill my lungs with air .

His hands are constantly moving, caressing my whole body, leaving a burning heat behind, everywhere they touch me.

"Where do you want me to touch you?" He asks, circling my bellybutton with his tongue.

_Everywhere._

"Please Jasper... just... touch me" I pant breathlessly.

"Tell me darlin', do you want me to touch you... here?" He whispers against my throbbing head, the vibration from his words running up my dick are driving me crazy, making me squirm with need. I growl and frantically nod my head yes.

I feel the tip of his tongue run across my leaking head and my hips buck upwards.

He chuckles again and then I feel the warm wetness of his mouth enveloping me. My hands shoot toward him, grabbing his shoulders in a death grip.

His mouth slowly wanders down to the base, taking all of me in while he rips my hands from his shoulders and firmly places them on the bed, beside my thighs.

I whimper, wiggling my fingers but he entwines our hands, showing me that he won't let go. He moves his head back up and hollows his cheeks, creating a suction that almost makes me cum right then and there.

His tongues circles my aching head and then runs down to the base of my cock before he comes up again and starts slowly bobbing his head up and down.

He keeps a constant pace, liking and sucking and humming around me. I'M in heaven and I never want to leave his mouth again.

My hands are constantly twitching, aching to bury themselves in his golden curls.

When he swallows around my head I think I'm gonna lose it, tossing my head from side to side I'm struggling to keep my eyes open. He let's go of one of my hands and I immediately reach for his curls, needing to touch him somehow.

His hand slips down and cups my balls, rolling them skilfully around in his hand before tugging on them.

I look down at him and his grey eyes are gazing back at me, watching me intently while he runs his tongue over my slit, gathering the pearly liquid that is already leaking, before he winks at me and dives back down.

I throw my head back. I can't stop my hips from thrusting toward his sinful mouth and he stills his head, letting me fuck his mouth for a while. He flattens his tongue, letting it slide against the underside of my dick with every thrust I make.

"Oh God...yes..."

Feeling his lips and tongue on me is mind-blowing.

My balls are tightening and I know my release isn't far away. I feel his fingers move between my thighs, stroking my entrance and the sensitive skin behind my balls.

"Jasper." I rasp and he lets go of my other hand, wrapping it around the base of my dick while he takes over again and increases his pace.

With an almost frantic intensity he sucks up and down my shaft. I'm a mess, writhing and panting under him. Praying for release but also hoping, that this moment will never end.

"Cum for me Edward... I know you want to... it feels so fucking good, doesn't it, babe?"

My only answer is a pathetic whimper, his voice is so low and sexy, his pink lips wet and swollen. I can't, I just can't hold off anymore.

"Cum. Cum!"

And I'm done.

I come with an intensity that seems to throw me right over the edge of the world and I'm not sure if I will ever come back down from this amazing high. I'm panting and trembling, my whole body is on fire as pleasure crashes down on me, running through my every nerve.

I feel him slowing his strokes, prolonging my orgasm while he swallows every last drop before giving me one last lick from base to tip.

He crawls back up to me, still keeping his body off of me but I have nothing of that, I wrap my arms around him and tug him hard against me, moaning as he comes in touch with my over sensitive cock.

He is hard, his arousal is pressing against my abdomen, reminding me, that he hasn't found any release yet.

"God Jasper, that was amazing." I'm still panting, still overwhelmed from this incredible high he just gave me.

He smiles happily at me and then his lips are back on mine, kissing me eagerly. I can taste myself on his tongue and it's almost enough to make me hard again.

But now it's Jaspers turn.

I end the kiss and with one hard pull I change our position and have him under me. My open mouth travels down his throat, sucking lightly on his Adam's apple before moving on.

"What are you doing, babe?" He asks, suddenly a little out of breath himself.

"Now it's my turn to make you feel good." I purr while my mouth moves down his happy trail.

* * *

_**I don't know why I have such problems writing a slash sex scene… Anyway, the song at the beginning is from Jose Nunez - "Bilingual" – take the time to listen to it, it's great ;)**_


	34. Born this way

**Born this way  
**

* * *

_I'm beautiful in my way_  
_'Cause God makes no mistakes_  
_I'm on the right track, baby_  
_I was born this way_

There's no chance of waking up the "normal" way in this house.

I'm living at Jasper's for two and a half weeks now and the days are passing by in a blur. I'm still writing "my story" but I also started a new book. Writing is easy these days and I enjoy it a lot; it's like all the pent-up words are trying to break free and my fingers are not fast enough to write them all down.

I still have my bad moments or even bad days but I can feel it's getting better day by day. I feel lighter and less worn out. The clouding sadness, that's been hovering around me like a fog, slowly disappears, allowing me to feel the sunlight on my skin again, every now and then.

Jasper is very supportive and encourages me wherever he can. And he's a great muse. He's funny and clever and kind and full of ideas - a neverending source of inspiration.

The relationship – though we never said the word boyfriend out loud, I still like to call it a relationship - is going really well.

So far we didn't go any further than hand jobs or blow jobs and we are still sleeping in our own bedrooms but I find, I wouldn't mind taking this to the next level. Jasper is a walking sin, he's damn hot without even knowing it and the things he does are driving me crazy – of course he's absolutely oblivious to what he's doing to me.

Speaking of him – where is he? I fell asleep on the couch after a long and hot make out session with my sexy "roommate" and I was hoping to find him beside me but he isn't here. And according to the voice that I can faintly hear, he must be in the kitchen.

How long have I been sleeping anyway? Looking out of the window, I see that the sun is about to set, it must be late afternoon.

_"I love my life I love this record and_  
_Mi amore vole fe yah"_

_I'm beautiful in my way_  
_'Cause God makes no mistakes_  
_I'm on the right track, baby_  
_I was born this way_  
_Don't hide yourself in regret_  
_Just love yourself and you're set_  
_I'm on the right track, baby_  
_I was born this way_

Alright, that is _not _Lady Gaga singing.

Chuckling about his choice of song I get up, put my jeans and shirt on, which I find hanging over the back of a chair, and walk towards his voice. I find him in the kitchen doing… What the hell is he doing?

There's a pile of kitchen utensils - bowls, spoons, baking dish and whatnot, as well as milk, eggs, flour and chocolate stains on the counter.

He is swirling through the kitchen, swinging his hips from side to side, making me wanna bite into that sexy ass of his. I keep watching him while he's with his back to me, rummaging through stuff and ... singing.

_Don't hide yourself in regret_  
_Just love yourself and you're set_  
_I'm on the right track, baby_  
_I was born this way_

"You should consider a career as a singer, you're damn good."

Startled he jumps around and the pack of flour he was holding, slips through his fingers and in the next second he is hidden behind a giant cloud of flour, coughing and waving his hands like a madman.

I don't know what's funnier - the look on Jasper's face, or the fact that there's barely a spot on him that's not covered in white powder. I try my best to keep a straight face but, obviously, I'm not doing a very good job, because he's glaring - and pouting - at me while he wipes his face with his hands. Of course that isn't much use, since his hands are also full of flour.

I can't help myself, I have to laugh!

The oven makes a beeping noise and he swirls around to it, creating another flour cloud around him, which causes him to caught again. Bending over, he takes a baking sheet out of the oven, placing it on the kitchen counter.

_Whatever it is, it smells delicious._

"What are you doing? Is that... are you baking?" I ask, stepping closer.

He blushes furiously - and highly adorable – and picks up the almost empty bag of flour from the floor.

"Yeah, so what? I like it, it's very relaxing."

"Is it?"

"Yeah." He looks a little defensively, not meeting my eyes as he cuts the brown cake into little slices.

"What did you make?"

"Brownies." He grumbles and there's the delicious pouty lip again.

I step behind him and sneak my arms around his waist. Nuzzling my mouth against his ear I breathe in his unique scent.

"Smells delicious" I whisper, nibbling down his throat, gently sucking here and there. "And it looks delicious." He sighs and tilts his head to the side, giving me more room. My lips move back up to his ear and I gently bite his earlobe. "And it tastes even more delicious."

He turns in my arms and crashes his lips to mine, waving his fingers into my hair, as if he'd be afraid I could vanish. His groin is pressing into mine and I can feel him harden against me. Blindly he reaches behind him and gives the backing sheet a shove so it slides to the side, making room for him. He jumps up the counter without breaking the kiss and immediately wraps his legs around me.

I rock my hips against him in an almost frantic rhythm. This is going to be a short show.

Jerking against me, Jasper grabs my shoulders so hard, I'm sure he's going to leave bruises but I don't care - it feels so fucking good.

We're rocking and sliding, grinding and humping against each other, our breathing hard and ragged, our foreheads pressed together.

He grabs my face and kisses me deeply before he turns his head away with a long moan.

"Oh God, Edward... I'm cuming... I cuming." he cries

"Come Jay." I gasp, only seconds away from falling over the edge myself.

His whole body convulses against me as he groans through his orgasm. His hands fall to my ass, pressing me harder against him. I push hard into him as fast as I can, almost desperately chasing my orgasm and when I feel him biting into my shoulder, moaning into my skin, I come. My body arches against his and a silent cry falls from my lips as I drown in pleasure. The orgasm seems to last forever, leaving me weak with trembling knees.

I'm leaning heavily against Jasper, his strong arms around my waist keeping me upright, his head leans on my shoulder and he's making that adorable whimpering sound, which I come to love so much the last days.

Looking down between us, I see that my front is as white as his and I guess my face doesn't look much better.

Smiling brightly lean in for another kiss, languidly sliding my tongue against his. When I end the kiss I leave my mouth on his, humming against his lower lip.

"I like the way you bake."

He chuckles breathlessly, looking around over the mess in the kitchen before his eyes find mine again. His eyelids are heavy and his eyes are sparkling with a post-orgasmic glow.

"Yeah, I don't know what came over me...I was just so turned on..."

I kiss his temple and bring my lips to his ear, feeling him shiver as I breathe out.

"Don't worry, I heard you were born this way."

* * *

**_Thank you for reading._**


	35. I still believe - part 1

_**I still believe - part one**_

* * *

_You think you're a man_

_but you are only a boy_

_You think you're a man_

_you are only a toy_

The club is packed to the brim with half-naked, dancing, flirting, drinking, sweating and may I say– horny men.

After a phone call that Jasper got this afternoon, he had turned to me with three words.

"You. Me. Party."

Leaning against the kitchen wall I look up from the newspaper I had just brought in.

"I'm sorry – what?"

"That was Carlisle on the phone, asking if we want to go to a Club with him and some friends – well, mostly Carlisle's friends but nevertheless, I said yes and you, my beautiful boy, are coming with me."

"A Club?"

"Yes."

"Aha."

"Aha? Now that doesn't sound very cheerful."

"No, no, it's just..." I sigh, hating to have to destroy his cheerful mood. "I don't know if that's such a good idea. I haven't been to a club since, you know, and I don't want to ruin your evening of fun and dancing with your friends."

"Edward." He starts slowly walking towards me, his eyes half closed, his lips pursed and suddenly I feel like the canary in front of the cat, wondering for a split second if I should run but then again... God he's one fucking sexy predator.

When he reaches me he places his hands against the wall on both sides of my head, leaning in untill I can feel his breath on my lips as he speaks.

"Edward. Let me get one thing straight. You could _never _ruin my evening! I want you to come with me, I want you to have fun, have a little chit chat, drink something, dance a little but most of all, I want you there with me. Sooo... did I make myself clear or do I need to play dirty to convince you to. Come. With. Me?"

He emphasises his last three words by pressing his groin against mine and I moan as I feel his hard length gliding against me in slow circles.

Never stopping his movements, his mouth wanders to my ear and I shudder as I feel him exhale.

"Tell me, Edward. Will you come with me?"

I swallow hard and his gaze falls to my adams apple. He licks his lips and when his eyes meet mine again they are dark and hooded with lust.

"Alright." I rasp. "I'm coming with you."

"Good." He whispers, his voice just as raw as mine. "Now, how about a shower?" He doesn't even leave me time to answer as he grabs my hand and practically drags me to the bathroom.

Suddenly overwhelmed with need we're naked and in the shower in no time, the hot water running down our already heated bodies.

For a moment we're just looking at each other, anticipation and lust swirling in the air around us. When I can't take it any longer, I step closer to him, leaning my chest against his I press him against the shower wall. His hands immediately lift to my waist, his fingers digging into my skin. Running my nose along his jaw I ihnhale deeply his wonderful scent, before I taste the soft spot right under his ear with my tongue.

Connected from head to toe I feel my cock responding to his body. He feels so fucking good. I could stay right here in his strong arms forever.

Probably feeling my dick poking at his hip he slips his arms down my back, grabs my ass and pulls me closer into him. His own erection joins mine and they're sliding delicately against each other.

I can feel him shaking with restraint but I don't want him to hold back. Looking him deep in the eyes I slowly lower myself, letting my hands wander down the sides of his torso until I'm on my knees. I let my hands glide along his soft skin until their grabbing his firm ass.

He looks down at me with so much desire in his eyes, I can hardly keep myself from begging him to fuck me. But first things first. When I lick my lips he realizes what I'm about to do his eyes go wide and his breath hitches before accelerating dramatically.

My eyes doesn't leave his as I bring my mouth closer to his gorgeous dick, which is already oozing pre-come.

The moment my tongue touches his tip, a loud moan escapes his mouth and his head falls back against the wall.

I grin to myself, grab his ass firmer and pull him to me.

He gasps as I let my tongue glide along his hard shaft, licking my way from base to tip and back, gently grazing my teeth along the velvet skin, swirling my tongue around the head a few times before I open my mouth wide and take him all the way in, in one smooth movement.

"Oh f... oh, God, Edward." His hands spring to my hair, tugging restless at the ends, while he parts his legs for better balance.

Small, breathy moans leave his mouth as I suck and lick and humm around him. He bucks his hips from time to time, unable to stay still. Without him realizing it I wet my finger and let my hand wander over his firm buttocks to his crack. Caressing his hole, I hear a sharp intake of his breath.

"God, please, I can't... I won't ... Ed, I won't ...be able to ...hold back... any longer if you... if." His breathing is hard and his face twisted from pleasure and the useless effort not to come.

But I have another goal. Pushing my finger inside him I take a deep breath.

"Then don't." I say before letting his dick slide down my throat once more, swallowing around his head and curling my finger inside him to brush over his sweet spot.

"Oh fuuuuuck. Edward, I... I'm ..."

And then his warm seed spills down my throat. I feel his ass muscles clench as he thrusts into my mouth, desperately trying to prolong his pleasure. I hollow my cheeks as good as I can, creating a vacuum around him while moving my finger inside him. He shivers and moans and I can't get enough of seeing him getting lost in pure pleasure.

When he stops moving and his hands fall from my head to his sides, I let him slip from my mouth, place a kiss on his belly and get up, wrapping my arms tightly around him. Immediately his lips are on mine, his tongue plunging into my mouth and we kiss deeply for long moments.

Breaking away, he leans his forehead against mine, still out of breath.

"Jesus, Edward, that was... I have no words."

His eyes are sparkling and he's got the biggest smile on his face.I smile right back at him, happy that I made him feel this good.

He lifts his head and smirks at me devilishly.

"What?" I ask, wondering what's going on in his mind.

"I have no words... so I'm just gonna show you."

And with that he sinks to his knees, showing me exactly how he feels.

* * *

**Sorry for not updating so long, I hope you're still with me. The next chapter is already written and will be up on thuseday. **

**Thank you for reading.  
**

**No beta - all mistakes are my own. **


	36. I still believe - part 2

**_I still believe – part 2_**

* * *

**EPOV**

So after we established – very thoroughly as I may say - that there wasn't any chance of me _not _going with Jasper, we end up outside of 'Sinnerman', a local gay club I've never been to, where we meet Jerad, Larry, Laurent and Carlisle.

They all seem very nice and we're just finished with the introduction when a voice shouts from behind me.

"Hey, dancing queen." I turn around and see a tall, lanky, dark blond guy walking towards our little group, patting Jasper friendly on the back when he reaches us.

"Hey yourself." Jasper greets back. "Edward, this is Ben - Ben, Edward."

"Well, hello there." Ben grins as he takes my hand. "Nice to meet you. Well done, Jay." He winks at me and I feel myself blush.

"Let's go inside, shall we?" Jasper takes my hand and starts walking towards the club entrance with the others following us.

Curious I turn to Jasper. "Why did he call you dancing queen?"

"Because that's what he is, right, Jay? You're our one and only dancing queen." Ben laughs from behind us.

"Shut up, Ben, you're just jealous, because you can't dance for shit" Jasper laughs back.

"Oh come on, I've got the moves." Ben pouts.

„Oh yeah, he's got the moves and the groves, man." Laurent laughs, hugging Ben to his side.

I have the feeling, this evening is going to be fun.

* * *

We're all at the bar, getting drinks, talking about nothing and everything. It's laid back and easy and fun. The guys are all very nice and friendly, already accepting me as one of them.

Ben is obviously the clown of the group, Jerad is more the silent one, Laurent is the easy going one, giving free hugs to everybody who asks - or doesn't ask. Larry went off dancing, the second we entered the club and Carlisle... Carlisle is trying his best to be not his overprotective self but I can see the wary side glances he's giving me, every time he thinks I won't see. But I don't blame him, after all, he's only doing that because he loves his brother.

I let my eyes wander around, watching the people on the dancefloor and the various levels of the club. I don't see any familiar face and I'm glad. I feel like I'm in some kind of carefree buble this evening and I'm highly enjoying it.

When my eyes land on Jasper, who hasn't left my side for one second this evening, I find him watching me over his half full glass of Whiskey.

"What?" I ask, nipping on my on glass.

"Nothing just... you look happy. I like it."

I lean over to him and place a short kiss on his left dimple.

"I am." I whisper.

The next song starts and Jasper immediately places his glass on the bar, turning to me with sparkling eyes.

"Let's go dancing dalin'."

I nod and have barely time to get rid of my own glass before he grabs my hand and walks off, practically dragging me behind him. I hear Ben whistling behind me and turning my head I wink at him. He laughs and gives me the thumbs up.

Jasper doesn't stop until we're right in the middle of the dance floor. He grins at me before he grabs my shoulders and turns me around, immediately pressing his chest against my back.

_Ten_

_kiss me on the lips_

_Nine_

_run your fingers through my hair_

The song is slow and sexy. Jaspers arms are wrapped around my upper body, his chin is resting on my right shoulder and he is humming along the song. I bet that, if I could see his face, I would find his eyes closed. His hips are moving with mine in a slow and sensual rhythm, driving me crazy with every beat and every thrust.

_Eight_

_touch me_

_slowly_

_Seven_

_hold it_

_Let's go straight to number one_

Jaspers hand wanders from my chest downwards, sneaking it's way under my shirt, drawing lazy circles around my belly button. I dive one hand into his curls while the other finds it's place on his ass, feeling his muscles move through his faded jeans. Getting lost in the music and in each other I sigh deeply and hear him chuckle softly in return. It's romantic and so, so hot.

_Six_

_Lips_

_Five_

_Fingers_

_Four_

_Play_

_Let's go straight to number one_

Suddenly a twink is standing in front of me, way too close for my liking. He's got short, dark hair and is wearing a tiny shirt that barely covers his belly. He grins stupidly at me and holds out his hand.

"May I?" he asks, looking me straight in the eyes. I'm momentarily baffled that he acts as if I'm dancing alone, without Jasper practically being wrapped around me.

He steps even closer and I open my mouth to refuse his offer ... but I'm obviously not fast enough.

"Fuck off." comes a low growl from behind me.

For the first time the twinks eyes leave mine and move to Jasper, then back to me, then back to Jasper, obviously undecided what to do now.

"Don't make me say it twice." Jasper growls again and his deep, commanding tone sends a shiver running down my spine straight into my dick. Possessive-Jasper is even hotter than predator-Jasper. Who would have thought?

Finally the twink leaves, though I don't even pay attention to him anymore because Jasper nuzzles his face deeper into my neck and tightens his arms around me.

"You're mine." I hear him whisper, right before his soft lips touch my skin.

* * *

„I need to go to the restroom, baby. Wait here for me, will you?" Jasper asks two songs later, pressing his lips to mine. We're dancing face to face and I have a hard time to unwrap myself from him.

"Alright." I answer as I step back. Unable to help ourselves we share another searing kiss before he walks off towards the toilettes. I close my eyes and get lost in the song, waiting for him to return.

I _been in a cave_

_For forty days_

_Only a spark_

_To light my way_

_I wanna give out_

_I wanna give in_

_This is our crime_

I'm so happy that he made me go with him this evening. I'm really having a good time, feeling free for the first time in months. And I love dancing with Jasper. The way he moves should be illegal, it's so sexy and smooth and hot. I wouldn't mind, spending the whole evening on the dancefloor with him. Until we get home that is.

_I still believe_

_Through the pain_

_And through the grief_

_Through the lives_

_Through the storms_

_Through the cries_

_And through the wars_

_Oh, I still believe_

I'm lost in the music again when I feel two familiar arms sneaking around my body from behind.

„You're back." I breathe and feel him nod against my neck.

He snuggles against my back again and we carry on dancing. I enjoy him dancing behind me again though I miss him pressing his face against mine like he did before.

_I'm out on my own_

_Walkin' the streets_

_Look at the faces_

_That I meet_

_I feel like I Like_

_I want to go home_

_What do I feel_

_What do I know_

_But I still believe_

_I still believe_

I let my head fall to his shoulder as I feel him pressing his groin firmer against my ass. God, I wish we were alone and not surrounded by 200 strangers.

I want to have Jasper all for myself.

_Through the heartache_

_Through the tears_

_Through the waiting_

_Through the years_

_For people like us_

_In places like this_

_We need all the hope_

_That we can get_

_Oh, I still believe_

I reach back to place my hand on his waist and I'm suprised when I feel skin. Jasper must have taken his shirt off before he came back. I can think of only a few things I would want right now besides having Jasper pressing his naked chest against mine. Deciding to turn around and getting rid of my shirt too, I open my eyes and then I have to swallow hard.

Standing a few feets away from me, right in my line of sight is a very confused, shocked but most of all pissed-of looking Jasper.

_What the fuck?_

I swirl around to give the fucking twink a mouthful but all I'm able to do when I see him is whisper one word.

„James."

* * *

**_I'm evil, I know. But please let me know what you think about this chapter and what you think how Jasper will react._**

**_Thank you for reading. _**

**_No beta - all mistakes a my own (I'm rich hahaha)._**


	37. Soothe my soul

**I can feel the emptiness inside me fade and disappear**  
**There's a feeling of contentment now that you are here**  
**I feel satisfied**  
**I belong inside**  
**Your velvet heaven**

* * *

**EPOV**

My first instinct is to run far as I can. Doing everything I can to avoid the pain, which surely will drown me any second now. Just like it always does.

My hands are trembling with fear as I raise my head and look at James' face, into his eyes - the eyes I once loved so much.

But then something strange happens.

Looking at him, there's nothing. Nothing. All the feelings are gone and there is nothing left - no love, no pain, no agony. I feel nothing. I almost can't believe it. After all this time, after all this grieve and everything I've been through, all that's left is nothingness.

I tear my gaze away from his brown eyes, only to get caught in the hurricane of a pair of grey ones.

And in these few seconds time stops and I feel everything at once.

Pain - Help me.

_I'm waiting for you_

Agony - He doesn't want me

_I'm here, I've got you_

Realisation - I'm not enough.

_You're all I want._

Certainty - I'm alone, he left.

_I'm here._

Pain. So much pain.

_I won't let you go_

Heartache. Hopelessness.

_I will soothe your soul. Just let me._

Will you?

_Always!_

Hope.

_I won't let you down._

Relieve.

_I need you too. _

Happiness

_You're mine. _

I blink and the world around me gets clear again, the shadows around me turn into people and the music comes back but all I see, swimming bright and clearly in the depths of his grey orbs and I can't believe that I haven't seen it earlier, because it's right there -

_unleashed love._

A smile slowly spreads across my face as I can feel myself growing stronger by just looking at him, feeling happier with every light hearted breath I take.

But my smile falters when I recognize something else in his eyes, something I don't like, not at all.

Hurt. And uncertainty.

And now I'm getting angry because I can't have that. I won't. Turning back to James I'm seething through clenched teeth.

„What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Dancing and you, my boy, definitely enjoy it." And I wanna wipe the smirk right off his face.

From the corner of my eye I can see Jasper's body getting tense, his fists clenching at his sides. And even he doesn't say a word, it's clearly written on his face, that he has a hard time holding himself back, because he desperately wants to say something, do something. But he leaves it up to me, somehow he knows that it's my turn to speak and that I need to do this by myself. For myself.

"What the fuck James? I don't get why you are doing this. And by the way I only enjoyed it because I thought you were Jasper. I am _not _your boy."

„Oh come on, can't two friends have a friendly dance together? For old time sakes?"

"No, we can't. Because I don't want to. And by the way, I thought you were with…whatever his name was."

He sighs and rolls his eyes as if the whole conversation is boring him.

"No, I'm not. Turned out, he wasn't what I'm looking for."

„So the blue hair wasn't so nice after all, huh?" I can't help myself, I have to mention that.

„Yeah, whatever." he replies quickly, unease clearly written on his face. "But I am here now. Didn't you missed me? Don't you think of me sometimes? What we had was special, you know that Eddie. And I loved you, maybe I still do. Don't you wanna _catch_ up on old times?" He winks at me and I'm about to explode from his smug and rude behaviour and the fact that he pretends Jasper isn't there at all.

"James, you dumped me 9 months ago and you never loved me. We are over. _I am_ over you." And the second I say these words, I know they are true. I'm over him,

I. Am. Over. Him.

I don't love him anymore, I don't even care anymore. He's just some guy I once knew.

And now I'm free. Free. And the reason for all this is standing a few feet off, looking more and more miserable by the second.

_Oh no._

"I don't want you anymore, James. I don't love you anymore." I almost laugh because the more I say it, the happier I'm getting.

"Because I broke your heart?" He snarls, his face twisted into an ugly mask and I'm starting to wonder, what I ever saw in him.

"Yeah, you broke my heart but that's not the reason why, not even close."

"I see… is he the reason?" He spats, pointing at Jasper.

"Yes." I answer proudly and reach out to Jasper but James grabs me by the hand and pulls me towards him, making my bump into his side.

"Get your fucking hands off him." Jasper growls, stepping up to James until their faces are only an inch away from each other.

"You can't be serious, Eddie. Trading one blond for another, that's an interesting replacement. Tell me, who do you think of when you fuck him?" James grins, never taking his eyes from Jasper and this is the second when I have enough. Shoving Jasper out of the way I grab James by the collar, ready to knock him down. He deserves it - but then again.

Lowering my fist, I look at his smug face and all I feel towards him is pitty. I grieved 8 months of having lost him and I won't waste another second on him.

"You know what? You're not worth it." I shove him and he stumbles backwards, grabbing haphazardly at people to keep himself from falling.

Without another glance at him I turn to Jasper. "Let's go." Grabbing his hand I turn around and start walking towards the exit.

I see Carlisle and Ben standing at the far edge of the dance floor watching us but right now I don't care about them, all I care about is Jasper and the fuckery I'm in.

Practically dragging Jay behind me out of the club I don't stop until we're outside, standing beside his car. I turn to him, unsure of how to begin and how to solve this whole shit James put us and even worse - him - through.

"I'm so sorry, Jay, so, so sorry. Please don't believe a word he said, it isn't..."

The rest of my words die in a moan when he crashes his lips to mine, immediately plunging his tongue into my mouth. He wraps his arms around my waist and hugs me close before one hands wanders into my hair, slightly tugging to get a better ankle. His kiss is so longingly and passionate, I'm getting weak in the knees and would surely lose my balance without his strong arms around me. The second the tension leaves my body and I sigh with relief, he ends the kiss and leans back, his eyes dark and full of lust as he speaks.

"You're fucking hot when you're angry. Let's go home darlin' and show me who belongs to you."

* * *

**_I would like to apologize for my lack of updating. =( I hope, it'll get better from now on. _**

**_The song at the beginning is "only when I lose myself" from Depeche Mode._**


End file.
